Athenae
by Shadow Dancer666
Summary: Mello is the son of the head of the Mafia, but he has a secret that even his best friend doesn't know. What happens when Matt realizes that Mello isn't the boy he thinks he knows? MattxMello; AU, smut, angst, etc. READ THE WARNING AT THE BEGINNING.
1. Kephalaio I

**Author's Notes: Le gasp, I'm alive! Shocking, I know. :) Okay, so this story is another supposed-to-be one-shot, but it's turned out to be a mini-series. There will be five chapters. I'll go ahead and give all the warnings and such right here at the front so that I won't have to for the rest of the chapters. I'll probably add an author's note at the end of the last one, but that'll be it. **

**This story was inspired by _Her Sweetness_'s A Romance of the Two Dancing Girls. Sadly, _Her Sweetness_ has decided to take down that wonderful story as well as my two other favorite stories, ****Pais Philos and Nekros Philos****. It's actually quite a shame that those stories are no longer up, and I took it a lot harder than I should have. Those three stories have been quite the muses and it was quite a shock that they were taken down. _Her Sweetness_ has taken them down for personal reasons and I must respect that, however, if anyone happens to have those stories saved and can send it to me, I will be eternally grateful and give you a butt-load of DeathCookies. **

**Now, this is also another story that is not for the faint of heart. There will be horrible things in it, so please don't be offended. As per usual, feel free to point out any grammar or spelling mistakes or any suggestions for making this a better story. Any reviews and such will be greatly appreciated!  
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**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of its characters.**

**WARNINGS: AU, explicit smut, thoughts of suicide, rape, mutilation, character death, and major angst.**

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**~_~_~_~_~_Mihael_~_~_~_~_~**

When I was four, I kissed a boy in the park where I was playing. He called me gross. When I was six, I asked Daddy if I could get a dress. I wasn't able to walk for a week after that. When I was ten, I asked why I couldn't be a girl and that's when I really began to understand how screwed up I was and how twisted the world around me was. After that I swore that I would never make that mistake again. Sadly, I haven't gotten any better and it seems like I still haven't learned.

My father was the head of the Russian mafia that plagued the city. Everyone knew it, and that's why no one ever messed with me. My body guards might or might not be seen, but they could always be felt near by. After all, I was the sole heir, the only boy who could carry on my father's mob legacy. And oh, how I despised it. I didn't want to have anything to do with my father's cruel ways or his rough and rowdy followers, and I most certainly didn't want the job of killing people and selling drugs for the purely selfish reason of being a filthy rich criminal.

No, I wanted something far from that. I wanted to fall in love and get married, to have my happily ever after. I wanted to stay at home to cook and clean and I wanted to greet my spouse when he came home after a hard day of work. I wanted to hold him and be held, to love and be loved back. Was that too much to ask?

It obviously was.

I felt trapped, like I was drowning in my own body. The mafia wasn't exactly known for its tolerance, so I tried to live my entire life hiding myself and my true desires. I spent years building the perfect façade and it had paid off. No one suspected a thing, not even my best friend. Looking at his hunched form, my heart ached more than ever. Matt wouldn't hate me if I told him how much I hated the skin I was in. He wouldn't hate me if I cried and told him how much I wanted to be a girl. But still, I couldn't find it in myself to tell him. There was always the chance that he _would_ hate me, and I would die if that happened. I would die…

~_~_~_~_~_

"Mellow Yellow!"

Rolling my eyes as I stepped out of the Rolls Royce, I watched as Matt ran to me, his stripe clad arms waving around dramatically. My guards tensed as he glomped me but I couldn't care less. They should be used to my hyper friend by now. Well, I guess them not tackling him and breaking his arms meant that they were.

"Mattie, do you want to die?" I deadpanned as his bright blue eyes looked up with mischief.

"We're on the verge of finishing high school!"

"Ugh, yeah. It's been that way all year long."

"But it just recently sunk in," he explained as we walked into the building arm-in-arm. "I don't know what I'll do with myself!"

"Oh, I'm sure you'll figure it out," I yawned. "Wait here for a sec, I need to use the restroom."

"Sure."

As soon as I walked into the restroom, I rushed to the sinks and splashed cold water on my face. "Get a grip," I whispered to myself.

I was completely humiliated at the fact that my disgusting flesh was now fully erect. Why? Because Matt touched me. Every day it seemed harder and harder to control myself around him. He was absolutely stunning, was a sweetheart, and he knew me better than anyone else. I mean, what wasn't there to love about him?

Love?

Looking at my flushed face in the mirror, I came to a horrifying conclusion. This was no longer a crush or a temporary infatuation. By the love of all things holy, I had fallen in love with my best friend. My best _straight_ friend! Not only did my groin ache, but my heart was hurting even worse. Another headache was building behind my teal eyes. The stress of my home life and keeping my true self hidden had been getting worse, and now my migraines were near constant. No matter how much the doctor upped the dosage, my pain pills weren't helping it either. I wanted to just break down and cry, let it all out if only for a few damned seconds.

Just then, two guys came into the bathroom, laughing loudly about something. Once they saw me, all mirth drained from their faces. They went quiet and quickly used the urinals. Then they were gone. I felt really sick. However, I didn't need my bodyguards to come in and question if I was constipated or something appalling like that, so I ran my wet fingers through my perfect hair and took several deep breaths to calm myself down. Eventually, it worked and I was able to saunter out as if there had never been anything wrong at all.

Like a puppy waiting for its master, Matt looked up expectantly with this really stupid grin. It made me want to kiss him. "So, anyways," he started as I helped to haul him to his feet, "I'm gonna be the first one in my family to graduate high school!"

I smiled back at him. "Congrats. I'll be the first in my family too."

"Really?" he asked in surprise. "I thought that all Mafia heads got to have an education nowadays."

His comment made me snort in amusement. "You're so stupid sometimes, Mattie. The only education that matters is the school of hard knocks. Other than that, no one gives a shit."

"Then why are you here?" he asked honestly. No one else I knew would dare ask such personal questions.

"My dad didn't think it would hurt to have his son educated while he was still running the Mafia. Once he gets killed, though, I'll be expected to get out."

"'Get killed?' Don't you think he has a shot at dying of natural causes?"

"No way. No Mafia boss ever dies of natural causes, especially in the Russian mafia."

"Don't you wanna die of natural causes?" he wondered out loud.

I felt my heart twist up. Yes, I wanted to die in a nice warm bed with my loved ones around me for support. "Nah, I'm fine with dying in the middle of some glorious fight."

Matt shuddered. "I want to live to be 120 years old! That way, when I croak, I'm gone. No way to revive me."

"Why's that?"

"So that I don't have to deal with all the reviving crap. Once I'm dead, I want to stay dead."

"Yeah, me too." Looking into his goggle-clad eyes, I chuckled. "Promise that when I die, you'll just let me go?"

He smiled back, not at all bothered by my strange request. "Sure. Do the same for me, 'k?"

"I promise." Once I died, I never wanted to come back to this hell-hole of a life.

~_~_~_~_~_

I was home alone today. Then again, that's how it was most days. My father was always off doing business, and no one else cared enough about me to give a fuck. After all, I was the illegitimate son. My father was supposed to have a son by the daughter of an ally gang boss, but instead his mistress got pregnant. She was a good for nothing slut that threatened to ruin his whole career as a mob boss if he didn't pay her off and when she gave birth to me, my dad was fully intending to off us both. And then two things happened that made him take me in. First, his wife found out about the mistress and killed herself in a fit of jealousy and second, my dad got the shit beaten out of him by her grieving family. His injuries resulted in his becoming impotent after that, which meant no more chance of a legitimate son. Of course, others were dying to set their families up as the successors, but for some weird reason my dad chose me instead. He offed my mom of course, but I was too young to remember. Sometimes I found myself wondering if she was pretty.

Anyways, I walked through the empty house. My guards were sitting on the couch and watching the television, but they might as well have been gone. To me, they weren't really there.

"Is Dad coming home soon?" I asked. My voice sounded hollow.

"Nope," Jerry replied without taking his eyes off the show. "Have you taken your pills?"

My pills. "I'm going to take them now. I'll be in my room studying, so don't bother me."

They nodded absentmindedly. After a few seconds, I turned on my heel and headed upstairs to my room. Clicking the lock behind me, I breathed in deeply as I felt the mask crumble to pieces. I was crying already and my arms were wrapped tightly around my thin legs. It was hard to keep my sobbing quiet, but I didn't want them coming up to check on me.

"Why?" I whispered when I finally got control of myself. "Why is it like this?"

Wiping my angry red eyes, I glanced at my stash of medication. I could take it all right now, every single one of them. Dragging myself to my feet, I forced myself to walk past them. If I wasn't going to end my miserable existence, then I was going to have a little fun. God knows that I need some bad. Digging through my closet, I pulled out a small black box. I glanced around guiltily before opening it; all lined up neatly inside was my stolen make-up. There was foundation and blush, lipstick, eyeliners, eye shadow, mascara, glitter, and even my favorite neon green nail polish. Sighing happily, I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and set up my mirror so that I could see what I was doing.

The foundation was running a little low, but it would make do for today. Once that was spread evenly on my face, I pulled out my big brush and dusted the powder on delicately. I was going for a natural look with a tad bit of glitter just to bring out my lips and eyes. The black eyeliner brought out my stunning turquoise eyes and I layered some pale greens and blues over my soft eyelids. A dash of mascara elongated my lashes, but I had to get my little tool out to separate the eyelashes; I hated it when they clumped up. Patiently, I worked on my face with light even strokes until I was absolutely happy. A delicate pink was painted on my lips and a sprinkle of glitter made them sparkle happily. Then a dash more of the glitter was painted just under my eyes.

Sighing in contentment, I took the nail polish remover and proceeded to take all that dreadful black polish off. It was the only color I was allowed to wear outside of my room, and I guess that was better than nothing. Still, I liked my neon green much better. I did my fingers and toes. Blowing on them, I took the time to look at the mirror. I…looked so sad. A sad young girl, that's what I looked like; so I forced myself to smile, and I liked how it looked. Damn it all, why couldn't I have been born a happy and beautiful girl! Once the nails were dried, I went exploring in my mess closet once more. The truth was that I hated this mess and everyday I just wanted to clean up my room, but if I did that it would look suspicious. Boys didn't have clean rooms, so therefore, I had to keep a messy room even if it killed me. However, there was one advantage and that was that it was easier to hide things in messy rooms. What I'm referring to is my one true treasure, the only possession that I prized. With shaking hands, I slowly pulled out my guilty pleasure, a small white dress.

Thin straps accentuated my shoulders beautifully, and it had a modest top. It tapered in a little around the waist before flowing into a delicately ruffled skirt. Lace had been sewn around the bottom edge, adding a touch of tasteful feminism. More than happy to get rid of my ghastly leather and my breezy boxers, I carefully pulled on the soft dress. I couldn't help but sigh happily as I felt the dress coddle me within its cotton arms. No living person had ever held me so gently.

"Dancing bears…painted wings…things I almost remember…"

Closing my eyes and whispering the lyrics I held so close to my heart, I allowed myself to sway to the music that only I could hear.

"And a song…someone sings…once upon a December…"

Swaying back and forth, my bare feet shuffled lightly on the scratchy carpet. My cold arms wrapped around my body, allowing my vulnerability to bare itself to the empty room. Who would see me? Feeling a little more inspired as the words continued to spill from my painted lips, I allowed my hands to rise above my head as my body continued to twirl and rock slowly.

"Someone holds me safe and warm…horses prance through a silver storm…"

It was all like a dream, a safe place. Inside my dress, I felt confident and beautiful; there were no headaches, no stress, no worries. In my mind's eye I could see Matt standing there happily, more than eager to take my hand and join me in the dance. He would wrap his arm around my waist, and take my hand gingerly. Those gorgeous blue eyes wouldn't be hidden behind his dorky goggles and they would stare at me with endless love. I would hold him back of course, loving the feel of his strong chest and the way that he nuzzles against my neck. And when we made love, I wanted to feel him inside of me, my warm silky flesh taking him in eagerly. It would be beautiful, and for a while I let myself pretend that it was true.

~_~_~_~_~_

"Prom's in two weeks," Matt stated casually.

Damn it all, he had no clue the pain he was inflicting on me. I would die for a chance to shop for a beautiful dress and a night to dress up like the princess I was. "Yup. Sucks, huh?"

Matt glanced at me as he munched on his tuna sandwich. The meat smelled spoiled. "No way! We need to find some chicks to take."

I shot him a dirty glance. "Oh yeah, like some girl's just gonna agree to go with me."

Of course, my idiot friend didn't see it that way. "No! You see, if you ask someone, she _has_ to go because she'll be scared of being lynched by your dad's gang if she says no. Then you can force her to bring a friend along for me." He said that all with a smile. Sometimes, I really wanted to slap the shit out of him.

But it was all in love. "I'm not using my Dad's fucking power to get a date, Matt. That's just pathetic."

"But…we are pathetic, Melly." Gah, he just didn't give up. "I mean, Seniors and we've never even had a date? That's just not normal."

Yes, I was painfully aware of how _not_ normal I was. "It's not that bad. Why don't we just hang out?"

He finished the nasty lunch by shoving it down his throat before he proceeded to attack my untouched food. At least my fruit salad was fresh. I watched him eat, painfully aware of how perfect he was, iron stomach and all. His Adam's apple bobbed sexily as he swallowed down the masticated greens, reds, and oranges, and a little bit of the juice gathered at the corner of his lips. He was _killing _me! Could I even survive until the end of the year?

"Don'tcha ever want to do something else?" he whined as he inhaled the rest of my salad. I didn't mind because I knew that he was literally starving. "I mean, all we do is hang out. Don't you ever get bored?"

"No," I admitted quietly. His words stung painfully, but I tried not to let it show. Matt got bored with me? Was it because we were both guys and he just wanted a girlfriend to hold and love and kiss and-STOP. I wasn't going to go there. "I'm not trying to rule your life, Mattie. You can get a girlfriend if you want and then you'd be able to take her to prom."

He studied me for a moment and I was so worried that he would be able to see the truth in my eyes. But he shrugged and drank my cranberry juice greedily. Smacking his lips, he laughed off my comment. "You know I can't pick up a girl to save my life."

Life really sucked. If only I was a damn girl, he'd be asking me to the fucking prom! Thankfully, before I had a chance to say something stupid that would undoubtedly reveal my feelings for him, our homeroom teacher walked to our table by the football field.

"Keehl, Jeevas, you two are supposed to be putting up decorations!"

Ah, good ol' Mr. B. His name was actually Beyond Birthday, but he threatened to painfully murder anyone who dared to call him anything other than Mr. B; needless to say, we all took him quite seriously, especially after he brought a cleaver to school. Yeah, he was one of the few teachers who didn't fear me or my father so I liked him a lot.

"We're eating lunch," I complained good-naturedly.

"Not anymore," he stated. "Now, get your asses in there or I'll have to skin you two and make a new lamp shade for my lover." Hmm, I don't think I mentioned that he was also one of the few openly-gay people I knew. His boyfriend was a super shy therapist who would only come to the school on special occasions.

"I doubt he'd like our pale hides as a lamp shade," Matt pointed out.

Mr. B grinned widely. "Oh no, he'd love it."

"Let's go," I yawned, taking Matt's hand. "The sooner we get done, the better."

Putting up stupid decorations wasn't nearly as fun as it sounded. The theme of this year's prom was "Gothic Midnight" so Matt and I were struggling to put up the large cut-outs of black castles. He was at the bottom, trying to line it up with the tiled floor, while I was on top of the ladder, trying to hold the behemoth cut-out up. The ladder wobbled dangerously, but I tried to focus on not letting the cardboard thing flop over or tear.

"There," Matt panted as he held his end perfectly still. "Tape it up quick!"

One hand inched behind my left leg where I had placed the roll of tape. It was clear so that no one would notice it, but it was also the one that was super hard to tear. Having only one hand to work with made it that much more difficult. "Fuck, why didn't we pre-cut strips?" I groaned.

His eyes looked up at me, before he chuckled breathily. "You know, that would have made sense."

As I struggled to cut a piece, Matt's hands slipped and tilted the whole castle crooked. "Gah, is the fucking world against us today?!" I screeched, wobbling even more dangerously on the stupid cheap ladder.

"Seriously! No dates, no life, and we can't even straighten this stupid thing up!"

"Thank you, Captain Obvious, for your beautiful remarks."

"Anything to help."

"Shut up."

We both smiled warmly at each other and a part of me was whispering that things would be okay between us. I could handle the feelings for as long as it took, until the day that either of us died. It was kind of sad to realize that I would probably be the first to go. In a way, I was thankful. Because, if Matt ever died, I would kill myself; I refused to live in a world without his dorky stolen goggles or his shiny white teeth, or his-

At that moment, the ladder decided to give out. As in, it couldn't support my fat ass any longer. It _folded_ underneath me. I heard a high-pitched scream somewhere as I fell and a painful sounding crack echoed through the still empty halls. Not feeling any pain, I feared the worst: I had broken my neck in the fall.

"D-do you mind?" a strangely terse voice asked beneath me. I opened my eyes and was shocked to see a very familiar brunette beneath me, practically nose-to-nose.

Shit, I was on top of Matt!!!! As soon as I tried to pull off of him, his hand clenched my shoulder and held me still. I could feel his heart racing against my own, and a blush rose to my face. We were so fucking close. "M-matt?"

"Please," he squeaked. "Y-your knee…my b-balls…"

Shoot me now! My knee was quite obviously crushing a very sensitive part of his body and if I had sat up, Matt would've never had children. So…that's why he held me close. It wasn't because he liked me; no, that would be stupid. It was because I was hurting him. Touching his privates with my knee. Dear lord, I was never going to wash that knee. Still, looking down into his teary eyes I felt everything that I had worked so hard for fly away. I was in his arms right now, and I never wanted to leave. Slowly, I leaned my head down towards his, my breath heavy and my heart pounding excitedly. My trembling lips came in contact with the warm lips which still tasted of spoilt tuna and fruit salad, and for a moment nothing else fucking mattered. It was me, with my lips on my Matt.

In a flash, I was running away, trying to stifle the tears that wanted to run down my face. How could I do that? How could I fucking kiss Matt?!!! What about all that bullshit on how I could handle it, and live without ever telling him anything. I didn't fucking say anything, but I kissed him! On the lips! Matt was going to hate me, and how could I live without him? I needed him, wanted him, stupid, stupid, stupid! My gloved hand was clasped over my stupid lips, trying to at least keep the sound of my sobs stifled up. Shit, the tears were coming and they had no intention of stopping. Strike me dead, now. Please.

A strong hand grabbed a hold of my arm, jerking me around. Looking up I could see my frightened reflection glaring at me from the orange goggles and I began to struggle desperately. He was pissed off, how do I explain?

"Matt, I-"

Before the random excuses even had a chance to make an appearance, I felt myself being shoved against the lockers and his hot mouth descended on mine. The tears fell from my wide eyes as I felt him pressing for a deeper kiss. My legs felt like noodles as I shyly opened my mouth and allowed his tongue to invade. If this was a dream, I never wanted to wake up. I was perfectly fine with clutching his arms for dear life and submitting to his better kissing skills. How did someone who's never dated kiss like that? One of his arms wrapped around my waist, holding me up as well as pulling our hips up against each other. His hardness ground against my arousal, forcing a pathetically needy moan to slip out between our hungry mouths.

Feeling dizzy from the lack of oxygen and blood to my brain, I carelessly shoved my hand down the front of his jeans, grabbing at his burning member. The fact that I had very nearly well crushed his testicles didn't seem to be important at the moment. His member was thick and stiff, fitting perfectly in my slender hand. A husky groan from him brushed against my lips as I began to pump his cock erratically. He stumbled to do the same to me, but I grabbed his hand with my free one, intertwining our fingers. Right now, I didn't want a reminder of what my body consisted of. I just wanted to pretend that I was perfect and that I could offer him pleasure. Matt wasn't in the mind to debate and just rocked into my hand. Those perfect lips were on mine again, sucking and driving me wild. His left hand clenched my hair tightly and tugged mercilessly as I finally brought him over the edge. Feeling the warm release all over my hand, I cried out in pleasure and clung to him as a life-line. My own climax had come but I was a little too preoccupied with his mouth consuming my cries, my lips, my tongue, my everything it seemed.

The hand that had been tugging at my hair slid down slowly to my neck, caressing the skin as if it were a precious metal. I shuddered, wanting to feel more of his hands that were always hidden behind those leather cloves. What would it feel like to have his bare hands running over all of my body? To feel more than his bare hands touching me, burying into-

A sharp ring from the bell snapped the both of us back into reality. The other students would be walking past any minute now, and that realization made us jerk away from each other. I slid down to the floor and stared at him with wide eyes. Matt's eyes were hidden behind his goggles, but he managed a shaky smile before walking away quickly. And he's right; if anyone was to find us together now…shit I needed to get cleaned up. Forcing myself to my feet, I rushed to the nearest bathroom. Not even a second later, I heard the cacophony of the students rushing past. In a panic, I ran hot water over my hand, washing away all evidence of what I had just done. As the semen swirled down the drain, a thought occurred to me. It wasn't only what I had done; it was what we had done. Matt came after me, he held me, _he_ kissed me.

Looking into the mirror I saw how shocked I looked. My pale lips were trembling and my eyes were glossy. Even a blush was painted across my cheeks. Licking my lips, I noticed how much I looked like a star-struck girl, a girl who had just received her first kiss. My heart fluttered as I realized that it was almost true. If only I was a girl and if only that was my first kiss.

**to be continued...**


	2. Kephalaio II

The next day, I found myself extremely nervous. I spent at least three hours fussing over my clothes and trying to find just the right ones. My nails were repainted at least twice and I spent another hour getting my hair just right. Needless to say, I didn't really get sleep, so that led to more time that I had to use to hide the dark bags under my eyes. Really, who could sleep after an experience like what happened the day before?

"Are you ready to go?" one of the brutes called out as I made the final touches.

"Just a sec!"

"Just like a fucking girl," he grumbled to the other brute. Little did he know that I took that as a compliment.

"What the hell's taking you so long!" a deep voice commanded.

My blood ran cold at the familiar tone. Dad wasn't in a good mood so I needed to get my rear in gear. "N-nothing! Coming!" Fuck, he wasn't supposed to be here for a while!

Racing to grab my bag and coat, I sprinted out of my room and ran right into the object of my terror. If I was dainty and feminine, then my father was the image of all that was masculine and coarse. His hands were the size of trashcan lids and calloused enough to hurt as badly when they came in contact with your face. Trailing my eyes up his wide chest and granite shoulders, I gulped as I took in his grizzled face. Years of fighting had left it scarred and with a permanent scowl; I think that there was some nerve damage. Then again, maybe he was always just surly. Looking at this man that was my father, I focused on the only thing that I inherited genetically from him. Artic eyes glared down at me, narrowed like a laser beam.

"Why the fuck are you running late?" he hissed. Usually, he wouldn't care if I was late or not, but something else must be bothering him; naturally, he'd take his wrath out on me.

"Sorry," I mumble, breaking eye contact. I knew that doing such a thing would make him angry, but I couldn't help it. The beatings I'd received from him throughout my life made it impossible not to fear him. His very presence was intimidating.

A massive hand grabbed one of my own and he inspected my perfectly manicured nails. I could feel his frown. "I know that I let you get away with this damn nail paint, but if you're gonna insist on abusing my grace, I have no problems with just ripping them the fuck out. That way you can't waste so much time."

I tried to pull my hand away. Just imagining my nails being ripped out nearly made me sick to my stomach. Especially since I didn't doubt that he would follow through on his threat if the whim ever struck him. "Can I go to school, now?" I tried to add an annoyed tone to that, but I was too nervous and it cam out more like begging. This is why I fucking hated it when the old man was around.

"What kind of pansy are you guys raising here?!" he screamed at my guards. They looked down at their shoes and shuffled nervously. "I'm not around and you let him turn to jelly! There isn't an ounce of backbone in him!"

"I'm just tired," I try, eager to get away from this all.

The loud smack of flesh was my only response. A cry slipped past my lips easily and I immediately cowered away, trying to protect my face. "You fucking bitch! Just like your damn mother!!! Worthless!" He hit me again, complimenting the verbal abuse with the physical abuse. "At least she had more balls than you do! Brought your fucking lazy ass to my door, telling _me_ what to do!"

"I-I'll try harder!" I begged as I slid to the floor, preparing to get into the fetal position if the beating got any worse.

"I've been patient with you! You just fucking turn into more and more of a pussy!" A kick this time. "I swear, if you don't get your fucking act together I'll kill you!!! I'd rather give this business to another damn family than have you disgrace my name!"

If I could have chalked up his tempter tantrum to his being drunk, I probably could've handled the situation better. Unfortunately, he was stone cold sober and I was bruising. My mother must have been a delicate thing. Delicate on the outside, maybe, but Dad was right; she had a lot of guts to come to him with me and demand that I got cared for. Sure, it was for completely selfish reasons, but that didn't really matter. It was her daringness and what my father called "balls". I may have had them literally, but it didn't make me any more of a man. I was too pathetic to be a man and too physically male to be a woman.

"Sir, you've gotten a call," one of his goons interrupted. "It's about that deal…"

Yanking my defending arm down, Dad boxed my right ear sharply before he finally left with a huff. He didn't even break a sweat beating me. Shuddering and trying not to turn into a sobbing mess, I began counting to fifty. I needed to gather myself together; there was school to get to and I didn't want anyone there to see me like this. They didn't need to see how weak I was.

"Hurry up," one of my guards mumbled uncomfortably. They never really knew what to do in these situations and usually only succeeded in making me feel worse. I guess it was the thought that counted.

Soon enough I was being rushed to school. All of the hard work I had put into preparing myself had been for naught and I was left to try to fix it up as best as I could. It was too obvious that I had been beaten, but I would have to play it up as if I had been in a gang fight or something. Hold my head up high, square my shoulders, and sneer at everyone.

As soon as I walked into the classroom, I felt all eyes turn to me. They were all sizing me up, looking for weakness or for fodder for their gossip. My lips were forced into a sneer and I strutted down the rows to my seat. Matt glanced up for a second before turning his attention back to the assignment. In that room full of people, I felt terribly alone.

Halfway through the day, I quit attending my classes. Mr. B would be pissed, but I couldn't bring myself to care at all. With a sour cigarette dangling between my lips, I just sat on the roof of the school. When I closed my eyes, I almost felt like I could throw my worries to the wind and they would carry them off on sympathetic wings. Then, I could be at peace and get some much needed rest. Sadly, things weren't that easy. The throbbing in my ear was a constant reminder of what I had suffered through earlier, and try as I might, it was impossible to ignore those harsh words. My father hated me. Even my own mother never showed interest in me unless it was related to money. Then again, I didn't remember her at all; everything that I knew about her had been told to me by my father. Letting my eyes open and staring at the careless puffs of clouds, I wondered if everything he said about her was a lie.

"Why're you up here?"

His voice alone sent chills down my body. "Tired. I'm just tired."

Matt sat down next to me, pulling out his own cheap cigarette. Everything that he owned was either used or cheap garbage. "Are you okay?"

The simple question caught me off guard. At first, I assumed that he was referring to my bruises, but of course, my overactive imagination was whispering that maybe he was referring to yesterday. After all, he ran away and we didn't see each other for the rest of the day. "What do you mean?" I whispered, refusing to take my eyes away from the drifting clouds.

"Well…you know."

No, I didn't. From the corner of my eye I could see him fidget a little as he struggled to light up his cigarette. The Zippo lighter didn't want to spark to life regardless of how much effort he put into flicking the thing. His sucking on the unlit cigarette didn't help either. As I lazily watched him struggle with something so stupid, my mind was racing. Matt was acting shy, but that should've been expected. He had never been an outgoing guy or even comfortable with things like relationships around anyone but me. For all his bitching and moaning about never having gotten a girlfriend, he never put out the effort for one and instead chose to stay by my side. For years we mocked those who dated and suffered the breakups. Not us, we were together. Together? _Together_.

Finally dragging my turquoise eyes away from the lazy sky I quietly observed his clumsiness. My own cigarette was burning rather close to my lips, but it wasn't important. We had known each other for years and practically knew more about each other than any married couple in this city. Any time we hung out the both of us would have fun and Matt never let any of my bad qualities chase him away. He would quietly watch over me and I would quietly watch him. What if Matt had just been showing his love for me in his own retarded way? It wasn't inconceivable. Right now, there was a slight blush on his cheeks and even though I knew that he noticed my staring, his hidden eyes refused to glance over at me.

I held out my Zippo. "Light?"

"Ah, uh, thanks." The slightly bent paper was placed against the flickering flame, lighting up quickly.

Wasn't that how it always was between us? I would make the first move and he would take the offer. Wasn't I the pushy, arrogant, and demanding one? Was he expecting me to be the first to ask about a possible relationship? It was hard to swallow down the lump in my throat as I watched him suck that cancer stick so lovingly. Damn it, why was I letting myself get my hopes up?! Yesterday could have been a serious misunderstanding! So what if making out and participating in a hand job required some kind of conscious thought! If it was an accident, I sure as hell wasn't going to make a fool of myself!

Letting the fag slide against my lips, I blew the smoke in his direction and decided to settle this. "Wanna fuck me?" Uh, shit, that's not what I was thinking. Okay, maybe it was, but that's not I fucking wanted to say!!! Matt elegantly choked on his smoke and was sent into a coughing fit that rendered him unresponsive to my question. Great, now I had to rationalize my stupid comment! "I mean, since we're already friends and have known each other for a really long time, and it would be stupid to pretend to start all over just because we're getting involved, so I guess going straight to the meat of the matter might be easier and a lot less stressful, and I don't know why I'm saying so many weird innuendos-"

"Okay, okay," he coughed, looking down at me with his reflective goggles. I could tell that his eyes had watered up from the sound of his voice.

"Okay, what?!" I demanded a little hysterically. My hopes were running high, but I was so afraid of what would happen if he wasn't saying what I thought he was saying.

Wiping some of the spit that had collected on his lips from the coughing fit, Matt looked at me. Surely he could see how nervous I was, how much I really wanted this to work out. If Matt liked me back, there was a chance that I could actually get my happily ever after. Scratching his head a little sheepishly, he turned his attention to his feet. "Um, I mean, I guess it's okay if we…do it. We're friends, right? And, so it's okay for friends to do that."

"We don't have to mess with all that bullshit everyone else does," I agreed breathlessly. "Being friends, we already know each other. I mean, we've been practically dating for years already! Just without the k-kissing and sex."

He blushed and fiddled with a shoelace. "Sure…just like dating."

Wow, he was completely different from the dominant person who had shoved me against the lockers yesterday before proceeding to rape my mouth. Well, it wouldn't be rape if I was willing, right? This Matt was really cute and even more shy that he usually was. It sent warm tingly feelings through my body and the wind couldn't sap that heat away. Tentatively, I reached out and stroked the back of his hand with my fingers. Oh, how long had I been dying to do that, to touch him more intimately.

"So, are you okay?" he rasped, his fingers twitching. My Mattie was nervous. Nothing like the hyper nerd he usually was.

"Dude, you just agreed to a relationship with me. Why the hell wouldn't I be happy?" A giggle escaped and he jerked his attention back to me. I was so excited that I couldn't help but let a little of my true self show.

"Your dad," he mumbled slowly. "He hit you, didn't he?"

Firmly grabbing his hand, I scooted closer to him. "It's no big deal. I can't even bring myself to worry about that when I've got you right here." It was amazing how quickly I turned into a complete and utter sap. I needed to quit reading those cheesy romance novels.

With practice ease, he pulled away the stub of a cigarette from my lips and tossed it to the side before it had a chance to burn my lips. I felt the change in the air around us and shuddered in anticipation. His jaw had set firmly and his hand gripped mine possessively. The charade was over and now we were both letting our true natures show. I wasn't interested in putting up a fight; instead, I wanted him to dominate me, to lead me along. My life was so full of responsibilities and other shit, and for this moment I wanted to feel that burden lift off. He could tell me what to do.

My eyes slid shut as his gloved hand grasped my chin and tilted it up. I felt his forefinger dip between my lips and forcing its way into my mouth. The leathery taste made me groan and I just let myself be washed away by the forbidden feelings. After my tongue stroked the digit for a few seconds, he pulled the finger to the side, stretching my mouth open. Just when I was curious enough to open my eyes, he leaned in and promptly shoved his tongue down my throat. Our tongues tangled beside the digit for a moment before he slipped it out past my cheek, dragging the saliva across the soft skin leading down to my neck. A whimper managed to squeeze past our working lips and tongues as he adjusted his weight and pressed his chest flush against mine. The pressure forced me onto my back and he remained molded to me, cleverly using his tongue to erase any semblance of rational thought. It was just him, me, and that stupid bird sitting on the edge of roof.

This time, the damned bell wasn't going to interrupt our make-out session. His right hand trailed down to stroke my hip bone as his other arm supported his slight weight. I think that I weighed more than he did, but that thought was swept away with a suck to my lame tongue. Compared to him, my mouth and tongue seemed to move thickly and with all the coordination of a retarded kid at the Special Olympics. Okay, at the moment I don't even care if my thoughts were politically correct. Since when was wanting Matt like this p.c. anyway? I knew that if my dad ever knew he would kill me, but what the hell. I didn't care.

A breeze blew past us, unable to get between our warming bodies.

I felt his hand trail down a little further, but I jerked up and pushed his hand away. My blushing cheeks turned a deeper shade as I felt some spit clinging to my chin. "N-not yet," I managed to gasp out eloquently. "Please, at your place," I begged. I didn't want my first time ever to be on the roof of my high school. That was just trashy. A look that I couldn't identify flickered across his face before he stroked my face gently.

"That's okay," he reassured me. "We'll wait."

"Can I come over tomorrow?"

His perfect lips pursed for a moment before replying. I guess he was trying to recall if any of his family members were going to be home. "Sure. I'll take you there after school."

The smile returned to my face and I pressed a soft kiss to his lips. His arm wrapped around my shoulders and I settled easily onto his lap, straddling his thighs. My face eased into the crook of his neck and I allowed myself to drown myself in his musky scent. Almost instinctively, I took some of that soft skin into my mouth and alternated between sucking and nibbling on it. His arm remained warmly around my shoulders and his nose was pressing against the side of my head. I wondered if he was smelling my hair.

Never in a hundred years would I have considered that Matt might be a little uncomfortable or even confused. It was inconceivable that he would regret saying yes to me or that he would regret any of this intimacy. All I could see were the positive things, all of the signs that I wanted. I wanted him to love me just as much as I loved him and things looked to be going in that direction. All of this was moving too quickly and I was getting shit-faced on the high of emotions.

~_~_~_~_~_

My bodyguards were nearly spastic when they found out that I was going to be hanging out with Matt after school. Being my wonderfully negligent self, I didn't mention anything about it until we were heading to his beat up pink Mustang. Matt preferred to call that hideous color a "faded-out red" but it was pink.

"Sir, why didn't you mention this ahead of time?" Jerry hissed as I continued to strut over to Matt's car. "There are procedures-"

"Yeah, whatever. You do what you gotta do, and I'll be hanging with Matt." He glared at me but I shrugged carelessly. "And just stay out of the apartment complex so that you don't get all the druggies worked up."

Yeah, my intentions weren't that noble; not by a long shot.

Jerry cracked his knuckles and fell back with Butch. Matt was already waiting in the car and smoking what had to be his thirtieth cigarette of the day. I had never seen him chain smoke like that before and it was pretty impressive. "You ready?" he drawled as I worked my way around the vehicle.

"I thought you were going to paint this thing red," I complained as I finally slid into the passenger seat.

He glared at me. "It _is _red."

"Yeah, yeah, keep saying that." I cranked down the window manually to let the breeze cool me off. I always sweated badly when I was nervous.

"You're just color blind," he grumbled.

"Wow, someone's pissy today," I shot back with my own glare. Matt didn't even spare me a glance.

"You sure you aren't the one PMSing?"

"Shut up!"

His lips clamped around his newest cigarette and he reached over to turn on the radio. Annoying techno began to blare from the speakers giving my migraine a new thing to bitch about. My head began to pulse painfully with the beat, but I knew that nothing I would say would get him to turn off that damned music. He was already lost in the world of repetitive beats and corny lines. Besides, he might just raise the volume to spite me. Instead of focusing on the pain, I turned my attention to the surroundings blowing past us.

Gangbangers wandered around everywhere with their pistols shoved down the front of their sagging pants as if that would be intimidating. Du-rags covered everyone's heads, even the poor white assholes pretending to be black. A few girls were on the corner of the street taking turns cursing up a storm about abusive boyfriends or dancing sultrily to the rap that clashed with Matt's stupid techno. People glanced over at us curiously before returning to their mediocre lives. None of them could have even imagined what the two of us were about to do. I could barely fathom that this was really happening, that in a few minutes I would lose my safely guarded virginity to my best friend. Biting my lip nervously, I peeked through my bangs to get a glimpse of his face. Unfortunately, with the sunlight glaring off his tinted goggles, I couldn't read his expression very well. I had grown too used to using his beautiful eyes as a gauge of his emotions but ever since he had stolen those stupid things it felt like a wall was put up between us. I wanted to tear those ugly things off of my Matt and break them into a million pieces so that I could see him again. I didn't like this barrier that had come up between us.

"We're here," he muttered before throwing his fag into the yellowed grass in front of the apartment complex. I stayed in the car for a little bit longer, just trying to swallow down the panic that was threatening to make its presence known. I had asked for this and Matt was expecting it, so there was no use in freaking out now. Still, the knot in my throat wouldn't go away and my stomach churned uncomfortably. I didn't even notice as he stood beside my door staring at me. "Mels, we're here," he said a little more firmly.

Looking up with my shaky expression, I nodded. He opened the door for me, and I grabbed my messenger-style bag before following him into the building. The stench of piss and vomit assaulted my nose, but I held back the gag. I didn't want Matt getting offended. Sighing unhappily, he led the way up the flight of stairs to his family's apartment. I had been here plenty of times before, but this time was different. Stepping into the modest kitchen, I almost felt guilty.

His parents weren't here and the both of us were going to engage in something that they most definitely wouldn't have approved of. I glanced at the sparse pictures that littered the coffee table in their living room. Matt's dad was a still-aspiring rock star who couldn't hit a single note or even play his guitar decently to make up for it. The booze and drugs came with the package, and of course Matt's mother was none other than the stupid groupie who stalked him and ended up getting pregnant. For some strange reason, they had moved in together and proceeded to have a litter of children. Being the oldest, Matt was in charge of his five little sisters, the youngest who would be recently turning three.

"Is your dad at another gig?" I asked even though I knew the answer. His dad and mom were always gone on trips, leaving him to care for the kids.

"Yeah," he answered simply, picking up the dolls and stuffed animals from the floor out of habit.

"Where are the girls?"

"Upstairs," he mumbled. "I've got the only woman who doesn't prostitute and snort during the day taking care of them."

"That's nice," I commented lamely. What else could I say?

"So…" he started, but thought better of it and let the sentence hang in the air. He looked at me and I looked back at him. Neither of us made a move.

I felt all of the nervousness spike up inside of me again, and my throat clenched shut. My hands fidgeted with the strap of my bag, not knowing what else to do. Should I go up and kiss him? Or would it be better for him to make the first move since this was his house? Damn it, none of my books addressed this awkwardness! All of the characters knew what they were supposed to do!

"I bought K-Y jelly," I blurted out. He looked a little surprised and I felt the blush burning against my cheeks. "I mean…we needed lube…"

He snickered and stepped over to wrap me in a comforting hug. "I bet that was pretty embarrassing."

Some of the tension eased out of my body as I snuggled into his arms. "Not really. I paid some prostitute to get it for me. She was too drunk to recognize me."

"I could have gotten it," he murmured against my cheek.

"It's okay. I wanted to."

I'm sure he could hear me swallowing thickly, but he didn't say anything. Instead, he took a deep breath and led me to the bedroom. It was the very same room in which I discovered that I had developed feelings for him. The memory had always been painful for me, but now I could look back on it fondly. That simple and dangerous feeling had led us to where we were today.

"How do you want to do this?" he whispered shakily as we sat on the bed, _his _bed.

Hell, I could use a bar of chocolate to soothe my poor nerves. "You can be on top," I replied quickly. There was no way on this earth that I could top him. It would be against everything that I was and everything that I wanted. While having sex, I wanted to feel him inside of me, that way it would be much easier to pretend that I didn't have an ugly dick protruding from my groin.

Without any glares to block my view, I could see a look of relief flash across his face for a fraction of a second. "You don't have to, Mello. I can take it."

"No!" I shook my head violently. I would not mess this experience up by doing something so dreadful. "Please, I want you in _me_," I begged. "You don't know how long I've wanted this!"

Two warm leathered hands took a gentle hold of my face to keep me from shaking a resounding no any longer. He drew closer and pressed a butterfly kiss against my lips. A tear slipped down my cheek as I closed my eyes and just tried to memorize all the feelings bubbling up inside of me. I wanted to remember how it was that he touched my face and how his breath smelt like smoke and citrus.

"Chocolate," his whispered against my lips and if I wasn't already sitting down on his bed, I was sure that my knees would have given out. Somehow, his voice had gotten deep and sexy, and it sent chills down my spine.

"Y-yeah," I replied, leaning forward to taste him again. This time, our kiss wasn't so chaste.

There was no rush as we tangled tongues, but we still found ourselves increasing the intensity of the kissing and petting. His hands were roaming freely over my rear and my hands were feeling up his well shaped chest. Each pectoral was firm to the touch and I could easily feel his perked nipples from the outside of his t-shirt. I guess that his night job at the warehouse had given him some decent muscles and I was thankful for that. Matt's hand teased at my waistband for only a second before it dipped under to grope at my ass cheek. A mewl escaped from my bruised lips and I caught a glimpse of his reddened face. He looked hungrily at me and groped a little more firmly.

"M-mattie!" I groaned pathetically as his other hand reached forward to tweak one of my own excited nipples.

"Gotta take these off first," he mumbled.

Pulling his hands away, he began the task of removing his clothes. Having had fantasized about this moment for quite a long time, I found myself practically drooling as his body was revealed to me. First, the pale torso and arms, and then those still-gloved hands trailed down over the protruding ribs and flat stomach to his belt buckle. With cruelly slow hands, he loosened the buckle and then proceeded to unbutton and unzip his jeans. I wanted to cry in pleasure as my eyes took in the sight of his glorious cock. Since he went commando all the time, I had an unobstructed view of his beautiful member. My turquoise eyes widened as I watched it flush even deeper and swell.

"Oh, ohhhh." I was hardly capable of putting together a coherent train of thought.

Matt blushed a little at my staring and motioned towards me. "Well, I don't wanna be the only one n-naked."

"Ah, oh." I looked down, embarrassed that I had been staring at him like that. Sadly, I wasn't good at the whole foreplay thing. All I could muster up the courage for was to awkwardly strip out of my black skinny jeans and t-shirt while not trying to ogle him as he struggled to unlace his combat boots and finish removing his pants.

When I was left in nothing but my birthday suit, I couldn't help but feel vulnerable. My painful erection was visible to him and he would be able to see all my flaws. My penis was so disgusting, my thighs were too fat, my belly wasn't chiseled or even perfectly flat, my skin tone too pasty, and so much more. I noticed how his eyes widened and I felt my stomach drop. I really was a nasty thing to look at.

"Fuck, Mello," he murmured, those protected eyes roaming over my imperfect figure.

"I-I'm sorry," I muttered, wrapping my arms around myself protectively.

In a swift movement, he tackled me into the soft covers and began kissing and touching me even more feverishly than before. I found myself gasping and mewling uncontrollably, begging for more of the horribly wonderful ministrations. Our naked skin slid against each other and the beginnings of sweat made the motions easier. Matt's hard cock rubbed against my thigh, smearing precum against the hot flesh.

Pulling back to give me a chance to breathe, Matt took the opportunity to ease the atmosphere with his gentle smile. "You're beautiful," he stated simply.

There was no deception in his voice, but I needed to be 100% that he meant those words. I desperately needed to know that he thought I was pretty, that even in my imperfection I was wanted. Reaching up quickly, I snatched his goggles off roughly and threw them across the room. Shocking electric blue eyes stared down at me in surprise and I felt the tears pricking at my eyes. He wasn't lying. "Oh Matt," I whispered, pulling him into a hug. "I love you, love you so fucking much."

"Try to relax," he soothed as I heard him opening the K-Y jelly. "I read up on this, so it should be okay."

I nodded against his neck and shut my eyes as I felt the cool lubricant being rubbed against my virgin entrance. After a few more seconds of rubbing, Matt gently pressed his finger against the muscle and eased the digit into my body. My first instinct was to tense up and push out the foreign object, but I gulped down a few deep breaths and forced my body to stay loose. I trusted in Matt and if he said that I needed to relax, than I was going to fucking relax. He pumped the single finger in and out of me for a few minutes while stroking my belly comfortingly. Then, adding a little more jelly, he pushed in another finger. I let out a little whine, but he didn't stop.

"W-weird," I gasped.

"It's okay," he replied. "Here, try spreading your legs a little more…up…okay, just like that."

With his pillow under my lower back and my legs spread as wide as possible I felt as if I was completely exposed. Considering that I was _naked_ and getting penetrated with his fingers, that shouldn't have been an odd feeling, but it made me uncomfortable. I had been hiding my true self and desires for so long that to be experiencing them full force seemed wrong.

"Stop," I whimpered as he thrusted his fingers a little more deeply into me.

"Am I hurting you?" he asked concernedly.

"N-no."

"What's wrong?" I couldn't find a good explanation, so I remained quiet. "Look, I can't fit inside if I don't do this. I'm too big and it would really hurt if I tried." I nodded. "So, you got to let me do this." A shake. "Melly! Just tell me what's wrong!"

He was getting aggravated now and I grew scared. I didn't want him to leave me, not when we had gotten so close. "Just give me a second, please?"

Nodding patiently, he pulled out his fingers and laid next to me. "I'm scared too," he offered. "If you've changed your mind, I'm willing to take it up the ass."

I knew that he really didn't want to, so I shook my head. Besides, I didn't have any desire to be the dominant one. "I'm such a coward, Mattie. Sorry."

"Don't be," he replied with a kiss to my forehead.

With that settled, I spread my legs again, and this time didn't interrupt him as he finished preparing me. After the third finger, he began prodding around as if he was looking for something. Just when I was about to ask what he was doing, a shocking feeling raced through me; I tensed and my mouth fell open soundlessly. Stupid Matt grinned up at me before stroking that spot once more and eliciting the exact same response. With his evil magic working on me, he finally poured the K-Y jelly over his excited cock.

"Hold my hand," I asked as he positioned himself. Without looking up, he offered his free hand and I took it firmly between my sweaty fingers.

"Just relax; I'll go slowly."

No other words were needed as he pressed into my quivering body. If I had thought that his cock fit perfectly in my hand, then I was sorely mistaken; my body sheathed his member perfectly, as if we had been born as two pieces of a puzzle and were just connecting for the first time.

"Nngh! Ahh!"

"Mel, don't, oh goddd…"

Everything was stretching to take him in and even though there was the pain, I could barely comprehend it. This was finally happening, Matt was really inside of me, having sex with me! My sweating hand was crushing his naked fingers in a death grip that mimiced what by body was doing around his throbbing cock. He pulled back with a bit of difficulty, my flesh not wanting to let him move so easily and I threw my head back.

"Ohhh, mmnnn…"

"S-still too tight," he gasped as he squeezed my hand gently. "Does it h-hurt?"

"Yes," I replied breathlessly, clenching his sheets with my free hand. "B-but, it's ah, okay. You can…can move."

Panting and trying my best to ignore the pain in favor of drowning in the emotional high of losing my virginity to the only person I had ever loved, I looked up into his eyes. At first, they were hidden away as they were clenched shut when he pulled out a little further and dived back into my body, but then the azure irises were looking down at me with an expression of barely contained hunger. A chill ran down my spine as all doubts were wiped clean from my mind. He wanted me. I wanted him.

Our love-making was the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced. Once he found that sensitive spot within my body I was nothing more than a screaming writhing mess that begged for more. There were tears between us, but they weren't sad ones. The magic was just there as he pounded into me with passion that I had never seen in him before. In my throes of pleasure I never once remembered how much I despised my body or how incomplete I felt. The only thing that seemed to register was that this was perfect, that we were just meant to be together like this.

Sweating…

Panting…

Connected...

Breathing harshly after climax had swept us away, I felt his strong arms wrap around my waist and he nuzzled against my slick neck. My own arms felt like lead, but I forced them up and around his neck. His sweaty hair stuck to the side of my face, but I didn't think it was gross at all. After all, his semen was oozing down my thighs, so a little sweat wasn't going to kill me.

"I love you, Mattie," I murmured before inhaling the heady scent of our bodies and sighing against his unkempt hair.

He squeezed me even more tightly in his arms and I felt a kiss being pressed against my neck.

**to be continued...**


	3. Kephalaio III

Life was wonderful. Matt and I were official secret lovers, I had engaged in sexual intercourse with him, and my dad was out of town again. With prom hovering at the end of the week, I invited Matt over to my place so that I could show him my guilty pleasures. I had been waiting too long for this kind of relationship with him, and now I just wanted to pour out my heart and reveal everything about myself. If I didn't, it would be just like lying to him, and I couldn't stand that thought. It was evil.

Besides, I wasn't sure how long I could continue with the constant charade. If I at least had him to confide in, then things would be okay. It would give me the strength to continue with the life I had been living because at least one person would know and still love me all the same. There was no fear that things might not work out between us; it was inconceivable to my mind. At school, we remained the ever constant outcasts and troublemakers, but in the shadows where even my bodyguards couldn't come, we were more than friends.

"Butch, are you and the guys planning on watching your fuckin' soap operas?" I asked as Matt struggled to get his laced-up combat boots off at the front door.

He lightly punched me in the arm and ruffled my hair in a mockery of affection. It was the closest I would get to some love around here. I guess that he was in a good mood since I decided to bring Matt over instead of once again risking a breach in security by going to his apartment. "Don't be a smart-ass," he replied as he headed to the kitchen for a snack.

"Don't be such a little bitch," I threw back at him teasingly. Good, I was doing a nice job of acting like one of the guys. "Are you done yet, Mattie?"

My lover gracefully toppled over as he struggled with the boot on his right foot. A smile curled on my lips and I was highly tempted to giggle; thankfully, I remembered that I was in a room full of my dad's men and they wouldn't be particularly happy to hear me giggling like a little girl. So I moved over to help my Matt with his boot. If he just wore regular sneakers then he wouldn't have this problem. After a few rough tugs, the boot slipped off his foot revealing a dirty sock. Still holding his foot, I carelessly took a chance and stroked it sensually, peeking at him from under the fringe of my bangs. There was a pale blush dancing across his cheekbones and he dipped his head down so that I wouldn't be able to see his eyes from behind those stupid goggles.

"Let's go," he suggested, pulling his foot away from my hands. I nodded and we made our way past the guards, the other underlings, and up the stairs.

Once we were both inside of the room, I made sure to lock the door. I didn't want anyone walking in on us as I showed off my beautiful treasures. I shuddered at the thought of my father finding out what I had been keeping hidden from him for the past few years. "You can sit on the bed," I suggested as I moved to the closet.

"So, what's this secret that you wanted to show me?" he asked as he fell back on my bed. He slid the goggles up on his head to rub at his tired eyes and I barely noticed the dark circles that had formed.

Turning my attention back to the closet, I dug around through all the garbage that I would most likely never touch again and pulled out my little black box. "Close your eyes. I want you to be surprised."

"Oh, I'm sure I'll be surprised," he chuckled darkly.

Looking up with a frown I couldn't help but think that if we weren't at school goofing off or making-out in any spot we could find, he would be acting weird. "Are you okay?"

He draped a stripe-clad arm over his eyes and sighed heavily. "I'm fine, Mello. Just hurry up with the surprise. I've got to cook dinner for the girls."

"I'll hurry. Just don't peek."

"Fine."

After staring at him for a few seconds to make sure that he wasn't peeking, I reached into the closet and pulled out my dress. It was wrinkled after having been subject to the cramped space between my old guitar case and some old gaming system that I never used. Shaking it out, I gave it a once over before deeming it good enough to wear without having to iron it. I slipped out of all my clothes, including the ugly boxers that would have made the bottom of the dress awkwardly bulgy. Completely naked, I shot Matt a nervous glance, but he wasn't paying any attention to me. True to his word, he wasn't peeking. When I wriggled into the dress, a quiet sigh of relief slipped past my lips. The soft material caressed my bare skin, and it felt as if I was putting on the right skin, as if the weight of my lies was lifted off my shoulders.

"Are you jerking off?" Matt asked with a smile curling on his lips. "You've gotten too quiet, and what's up with that happy little sigh?"

I giggled and made my way to his side. "Nope, I'm not touching myself." That's just gross.

"Then what's up with the happy-giddiness?"

Stroking his leg affectionately, I replied with confidence. "Open your eyes now."

His arm fell to the side and those gorgeous eyes took in my change in attire. For a moment, he didn't register anything different, and then I saw his eyes widen noticeably as he realized that I was wearing a dress. A bout of shyness struck me, and I blushed and looked down at my bare feet. For the first time, I became conscious of how the lacy edge barely hung at mid-thigh and how my perked nipples could be seen through the thin material.

"What's this?" he asked softly, as if I was a delicate china doll and speaking too loudly would shatter me into pieces.

"It's my secret, Mattie," I whispered back to him. There was no way that I could meet his eyes. Part of me wondered if this was such a good idea. What if he didn't accept this part or he thought it was too freaky? That thought alone made me want to run away screaming and crying. If Matt didn't want me, then who would?

His hand slipped into mine, its warmth instantly pushing those bad thoughts away. "You've got that look on your face, Mels. There's no reason to cry."

Haltingly, I looked up to see my reflection in those goggles. I really did look like I was about to burst into tears. "S-sorry, it's just…you don't hate me, do you?"

Scooting to the edge of the bed, he pulled me between his legs and rested his head against my stomach. "You look like an angel," he mumbled, the sound of his voice muffled by my flabby belly and the dress. "I'd never hate an angel."

My hands stroked his silken hair, and I held him close. If either of us was an angel, it was definitely Matt. I was a liar who had to hide my true self from others, and a needy clingy person who would die without my best friend, my lover. If I died, he could live. Matt could live and he could love again, and that's exactly what I would want him to do. I would want him to forget about me when my time ended and I would want him to be as happy as he possibly could.

Pulling back, I leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. He accepted it and stroked my neck tenderly. Wanting to explain things to him, I ended the kiss and pulled him to his feet so that he could come with me to my black box full of makeup. Once we were both seated, I showed him all my stolen goods.

"Are you freaked out yet?" I asked nervously.

Matt smiled and patted my cheek. "Nope." Somehow, those stupid goggles got back over his eyes. "But I wonder…why?"

I grabbed a tube of lipstick and fondled it in my hands. I knew exactly what he was asking. "Well…Matt, I'm just so tired of lying to you. I'm tired of having to hide who I am just because others can't accept it!"

"What are you talking about?" he tried to soothe.

"It's this body!" I hissed, trying to keep my volume down. The entire time I made sure to keep my eyes on the lipstick. "I hate being a guy, I really do." When he didn't say anything, I just rushed on, trying to explain everything. "Ever since I was a kid, I knew that I wasn't like other boys. I wanted to kiss boys, I wanted to wear dresses, and play with dolls. Dammit, I was confused with my body! I didn't know why I was the way I was and I found it repulsive! I hate being in this stupid ugly body, and I just want to be a girl, a fucking girl!"

By now, I was shouting and I didn't even care if anyone heard me. No one had the right to tell me how to live my life or to tell me that I was wrong and that I should be happy with being a boy. They didn't have a clue about what I was dealing with, so how dare they try to tell me what I could and could not be!

"Shhh, shhhh…" Matt pulled me up against his chest, muffling anything else that I might decide to scream out. "You don't want anyone to hear you say that," he reasoned. "It wouldn't fix anything."

"Damn it all, it should!" I protested, but he just shook his head and stared at the wall. I weakly hit his chest in frustration.

"So…you don't like being…a guy?"

"No, I hate it." With his goggles on, I couldn't see what he was thinking.

"I guess that's not too surprising," he finally replied, looking down at me. He ran his fingers through my hair and planted a kiss to my forehead.

"Do…do you still like me?"

He chuckled at my pitiful sounding question. "Yeah, I still like you."

Feeling a little better, I snuggled against his chest for a few more minutes. Then the temptation to get that makeup on my face proved to be too great. With a flair, I pulled away from his embrace and turned my attention to putting on my newest batch of cosmetics. As I applied each layer, I explained it all to Matt. The foundation needed to go first and it was to even out the skin tone. Make sure not to get a color too dark or your face and the rest of your body wouldn't match; that would just be tacky.

Matt sat next to me patiently, learning all there was to know about makeup. Occasionally, he would pull back a stray of hair that would be in my way and I would shoot him a grateful look. He was such a sweetheart, and it was amazing that he was taking everything so well. I had been expecting the worst, but my Mattie had been nothing but the perfect loving and understanding boyfriend.

"Hey, look over here," he commanded.

Looking up from applying my lipstick, I was shocked when a flash went off. Matt began laughing hysterically while holding my camera. "W-wha?"

"Your face!" he choked as he hugged his sides.

"Why'd you take a picture of me!" I growled, tackling him. "I bet I have this really stupid look on my face you jerk!" That laugh was too contagious and I ended up laughing along with him even as I struggled to get the camera from him. I was going to delete that stupid picture.

"Noooo!" he cried childishly as I managed to remove the expensive little machine from his hands. "You've got to keep that picture! The expression you had was priceless!"

Clicking a few buttons, I came face-to-face with my stupidly surprised face. My mouth was hanging open a little and my already wide eyes were extra wide in surprise. "No way! I look so ugly!"

"Aw, no you don't," he chuckled as he leaned against my shoulder to look at the picture. "You look cute like that."

I swatted him upside the head. "No I don't. Here, let's take a picture with the two of us, okay? It'll be better than my stupid expression." With him still leaning on my shoulder, I turned the camera and aimed it as best as I could. "Smile!"

CLICK!

Quickly, I flipped the camera around and checked the picture. Our smiling faces stared back at us and I nodded my approval. It was a little off center, but it still looked pretty good. I looked like a happy girl with her loving and perfect boyfriend.

"Do you like it?" he asked me.

"Yeah, that's much better." I deleted the other picture and set the camera down. "You're so photogenic," I whined, sprawling across his legs. "If I'm not posing, I look like a freakin' retard."

"I don't think so," he mumbled, one of his hands absentmindedly stroking the back of my thigh. "And quit putting yourself down so much. You look good no matter what."

Suddenly, his hand slipped up under the dress to stroke my bare rear end. I shuddered at the sensation, my body instinctively getting more sensitive and my heart picking up in pace. His slender fingers ran across the fatty flesh, raising goosebumps almost instantaneously. "Ohhhh," I whispered, clenching his jeans in my hands.

"Turned on already?" he teased, but he was a hypocrite. I could feel his arousal poking my side.

"You are too," I replied weakly, trying to glare at him. I just succeeded in giving him my best bedroom eyes ever.

"Where's the K-Y jelly?" he asked hoarsely.

"Are we gonna do it in my room?" I asked shyly. "I mean…there are guys downstairs."

"We'll be quiet," he reassured. Not completely convinced, I motioned towards my messenger bag. As he went through the bag to get the lube, I began to work the dress off. Warm hands wrapped around mine, stopping me from getting my clothes off. "Leave it on," Matt requested.

"O-okay."

Blushing, I followed the rest of his instructions. Resting on my elbows and knees, I felt pretty ridiculous with my ass up in the air, but he pushed the dress up to the small of my back and proceeded to lube me up. It was all that I could do not to just moan his name and push back on his slickened fingers. I resorted to biting my knuckles in an attempt to keep quiet.

"There, spread your legs a little."

I obeyed and I felt the fingers go in as far as they could. A shudder of anticipation coursed through my body as I waited for something much larger than his fingers to enter into me. The sound of his belt buckle being undone and his zipper opening was like torture, but it was all worth it when I felt his hot and eager cock pressed against my backside. I looked over my shoulder and moaned as I saw that he too wasn't completely undressed; his jeans were pulled down enough to allow him to comfortably have sex, but I also chuckled at the idea that he was probably getting a pretty nice breeze at his backside.

"Feeling a breeze?" I teased as he rubbed his member between my ass cheeks.

"Tch, like you don't with your ass up in the air like that?"

Patting my tailbone, he used his hand to guide his cock to my anus and pressed into it. At first, the muscles resisted the entry, but the constant pressure was too much and he slid into my body. My eyes clenched and my toes curled as he continued to slide in, until he reached the hilt. I could hear his panting from behind me and it only made me want to vocalize even more. If only those stupid bodyguards weren't around!

"Mmmmnph," I moaned into my knuckles as he pulled back a little and shoved back inside. The pain was still there, but it was nothing compared to the joy of Matt being the one inside of me. I was right; he was the one for me. He had accepted every part of me, he loved me, and he wanted me. It was the perfect combination and he was the most perfect being on this planet.

It didn't take long for him to pick up the pace. With each thrust, my knees were chafed against the carpet and the sounds tearing through my throat got louder and louder. He was sweating and panting harshly, both hands clenching at my hips as if they were a lifeline. In this position he was able to press more deeply into me and he had an easier time abusing the sweet spot inside. Tears were streaking down my face, ruining my makeup and I was sure that my knees and knuckles would be bloody, but all of that was just minor details. Nothing important.

We were making love. That's what was important.

His arms wrapped me in a safe cocoon, squeezing me tightly as a warning that he was going to reach his orgasm soon. Another sharp prod to my prostate sent me reeling and I barely felt the thick fluid spurting inside of me. My thighs were shaking from having to hold such an unfamiliar position, but those arms kept me up. Matt's head rested against the middle of my back as he tried to regain his senses and I just closed my eyes. Fuck the rest of the world, I could stay with him like this for the rest of my life, and I would be the happiest person alive.

~_~_~_~_~_

"So, vote for the person that you think deserves to be the Prom Bitch, I mean, Queen, and I'll collect them."

Mr. B sat down at his desk and waited for us students to obey his command. I stared at the paper in front of me, my mind a blank. Out of all the school sluts, who would I pick to be the one to receive the crown of glory? Carrie? No, too weird. Kathryn? Ugh, hell no. Brittani? No way, too stuck up.

I absolutely hated prom and I wanted to have no part in the whole thing. And why would I? I would never have the chance to wear a beautiful dress and go out with my date and do nothing but dance and drink spiked Kool-Aid. There would be no limousine for me and a group of friends, no corset given to me by the man of my dreams. Nope, Matt had to work and I had nothing to do. Feeling someone's eyes on me, I looked up to see Matt staring at me. I tried to give him a confident smile, but it came out more like a grimace. Stupid prom.

Seeing that Mr. B was starting to collect our votes, I quickly wrote down Linda's name and folded it up. The dark-haired man gave me a concerned look as he picked up my vote and I wondered if my misery was written all over my face. If it was, then I would have to fix that. After all, I had a reputation to keep. The son of the Russian mafia head couldn't be looking upset about not getting to go to prom his Senior year.

Once he finished collecting the folded pieces of notebook paper, Mr. B began to tally all the marks for the girls in our class. Even though we were a public school, the drop-out rate was pretty high which left our graduating classes pretty small. Only 36 students from the ghetto would be graduating in a few weeks. Pretty soon, the top three girls were listed up on the marker board. Stuck up slut, Brittani, daughter of the local Baptist preacher, Jackie, and the most likeable of them all, Linda. Brittani was probably going to win because she'd have all her boyfriends and their sports teams voting for her. How depressing. Sighing unhappily, I realized that I was doodling in my notebook again. I wasn't a particularly talented artist like Linda was, but I had gotten pretty good at making cute little curly-q things. Even bubble letters were in my secret arsenal of super-girly things that I had to keep hidden. Currently, Matt's name was written across the sheet with the fattest bubble letters I've ever drawn and little hearts around it. Dear lord, I was loosing it. If I didn't get rid of my slutty dollar romance novels I was going to do something far more embarrassing. Like, ask him to put his "hot man-meat into my hungry pussy" or something similar. I chuckled just trying to imagine his reaction to that. He probably wouldn't be able to get it up for weeks with that in his head.

"Keehl!" Mr. B barked out, dragging me back to reality.

"Hn?"

He ignored the other students packing up their bags and getting ready to move on to second period. "Stay after for a minute."

"Yes sir," I grumbled giving Matt an apologetic look. We wouldn't be able to make-out in the abandoned lavatory.

The bell rang a few seconds later and I just sat in my seat waiting for all the other kids to get out. Matt gathered his things and patted my head on his way out. Pasting my eternally bored expression on, I waited until Mr. B made his way to the desk across from me and sat on the profanity-etched surface. He bit at his jelly stained fingers for a minute before looking down at me.

"Is something bothering you?" he asked flatly.

The question took me off guard, and I felt as if he was being careful not to act too interested. "Uh, no?"

Irritation flashed through his eyes, but he kept his cool. "Listen, I'm not paid enough to care about you students, so if I take time out of my life to ask about how you're doing, then it means that I have a reason for doing so."

"A reason? Like what?"

"Tch, you're too smart for me to spell it out."

I rolled my eyes. "You can't mean that you actually _like _me."

"That's exactly what I mean," he replied with narrowed eyes.

Suddenly, I felt uncomfortable. Those eyes had always been intense, but now they seemed to be trying to read my soul, to see the filthiness. Mr. B may have been homicidal and a bit crazy, but I couldn't remember him ever uttering a lie to any of us students. If he was admitting to really care about me enough to be worried, than he was being completely honest. The idea of someone other than Matt caring for me made me scared even as it made me happy. Warm dancing butterflies were making their presence known in my stomach, but I still felt a wave of uneasiness. No one ever really cared about me before, so why would they start caring now?

"Why?"

Mr. B looked off to the side and snorted. "'Why' you ask? You're a lot stupider than I give you credit for."

"Just because I can't read your twisted mind doesn't mean that I'm stupid."

"I guess you're right there." He paused for a minute and brought his eyes back to me. His look wasn't quite so intense. "Hey, I've looked out for you ever since your skinny ass got here. I guess it's because you're not like everyone else, but does that really matter? If someone tells you that they care about you, is your first question really going to be 'why'? _Should_ that be your first question?"

His candid response shocked me a little. It was kind of what Matt had told me, but in a different way. I was always berating myself and questioning how anyone could find redeemable qualities in me. Having never really been loved, it was understandable that I would question people's affections. If my own family couldn't love me, how could others? How could they see something that my own flesh and blood couldn't?

"I…I don't really know."

A sympathetic smile curled on his lips. "Well, it's alright. No big deal. I just wanted to make sure that you were doing okay."

"Uh, yeah." I nodded. "I'm fine."

"Hmm, how are you and Matt doing?" he slipped in casually.

"Fine," I squeaked. The question had completely caught me off guard and now I was blushing. I looked off to the side, hoping that he wouldn't notice, but I was still embarrassed. What in the world was wrong with me! He just asked how we were doing, as in _friends_. He had no reason to know that we were more than that, so why was I acting so suspiciously! "We're completely fine, just like always!" Ugh, that was a bit over the top.

A strange childish grin curled on his lips as he began biting on his nails again. "Oh, really?"

"Yup, completely normal. Like always."

"That's good."

We stared awkwardly at each other for a few minutes before I couldn't bear the burning of my blushing anymore. "Uh, I have to get to class."

"Sure thing," he replied, hopping off the desk top and making his way back to his desk. "Did you know that the newest movie theater is opening up on prom night? Tickets are supposed to be a dollar a show, I think."

My ears perked up at the news. "No, I didn't know that!"

"Yeah. I guess most kids'll be too busy getting wasted at prom, so no one will really be hanging around there."

"Okay, thanks Mr. B," I replied, hauling up my heavy bag. My mind was already drawing up plans. If I couldn't partake in prom, maybe I could convince Matt to take the night off so that he could come to the movies with me. "See you later."

"Take care," he mumbled, digging through his desk for a jar of homemade jelly.

~_~_~_~_~_

Matt had been too busy studying with his computer junkie friends at school, so I couldn't ask him about the movies, but I was sure that he would say yes. Practically bouncing my way into the house, I was happy to get out of my tight clothes and into my soft sweatpants and an old t-shirt. The spring air was still a bit too cold for my liking, so I slid on a pair of fuzzy socks and skidded my way to the kitchen. Most of the guys were in the living room again, watching their stupid movies. It was probably _Soprano_ re-runs this time.

Yanking open the refrigerator, I scanned through the contents in search of something to eat. I didn't feel like eating leftover pizza or another revolting microwavable lunch. Definitely nothing fattening, I decided quickly; after all, if Matt was going to have to look at this repulsive body at least I could do him the courtesy of not being obese.

"Looking for something in particular?" came the familiar voice of my bodyguard, Butch.

Peeking over my shoulder I shrugged and then turned my attention back to the fridge. "Not really."

"How 'bout an old fashion peanut butter and jelly sandwich?" he suggested already moving to the cabinet.

The sound of gooey peanut butter goodness made my mouth water, so I nodded eagerly. "Yeah, make me one! Please?"

He chuckled and motioned for me to pull out the jelly while he worked on the peanut butter and bread. I quickly decided on the strawberry apple one and set it on the counter for him. With that accomplished, I took a seat on the bar stool and watched him prepare the simple and delectable snack. His hands were every bit as tough and beaten as my dad's but he still seemed to be able to use them for things other than hitting or killing. There were a few raised scars, and I knew that his left pinky and ring finger were numb from nerve damage.

"What're you thinking about?" he asked while smearing the peanut butter on the white bread. The bread began to tear as the peanut butter stuck to it, but he just added more to glue it together.

"Nothing."

"How about that friend of yours?" he chuckled.

Remembering my earlier conversation with Mr. B I almost felt myself blush. Why did everyone seem to notice that something between us changed? "I think he got a new game that he wants to teach me," I replied lamely. "He's crazy about games, you know."

"Yeah. I remember. You know, I like games too."

"Really? Like, video games?"

He chuckled and began to add the jelly on top. "No, I never played video games. I'm talking about adult games, like the stuff that your dad deals with."

"Oh," I muttered, my heart sinking again. He liked the complicated mind games that the bosses played with each other. It was like politics but on a far more deadly scale.

"It's all really interesting when you think about it," he continued. "Each person is just a piece of the game, moving wherever the puppet master says to, and yet, even the puppet masters have to answer to someone."

Looking at the almost complete snack, I wondered about what he was saying. It was pretty obvious to me that my dad was the puppet master of this group, but who would he have to answer to? God? That seemed unlikely. Some man? Even more unlikely. "But why play dangerous games like that? I mean, people die."

A smile crinkled the corners of his lips as he slapped the two pieces of bread together and handed it to me. "That's the best part. This is the real world, darlin' and there are consequences to every action. You take one wrong step and your people get killed. You might even get killed. It's much more exciting that way."

"What about if you die?" I added surly, not in the mood to eat anymore.

"That's fine. It just means that I'm too stupid to keep one step ahead."

I wrinkled my nose in disgust before remembering that I would have to take that position soon enough. As the heir to the "empire" I would have to take up the mantle once my father failed to keep ahead. Then it would be my turn to avoid death at every turn. "I guess that I'll have to learn quickly," I stated with a weak smile.

"Yup," he confirmed with a bite to his own sandwich.

**To be continued...**


	4. Kephalaio IV

Lying on the wrinkled bed sheets, I stared up at the cracked ceiling. There was a water spot in the corner by the window, and the smudged brown lines almost looked like a dog. A collie dog. That extra little smudge could almost be the tongue, lapping up the whiteness.

"You okay?" Matt mumbled around his lit cigarette, his mussed hair hanging past his ears and forehead; that boy really needed a haircut.

"I'm fine," I replied, turning my attention back to the water stain.

"There was still some blood. Does it hurt?"

I shook my head with a smile, my lips stretching out. "Not really. I'll be fine."

Blowing smoke out of the corner of his mouth, Matt leaned closer to me and gazed at me with his blue eyes. "You…you seem happier Mels. I see you smiling a lot more."

"Of course I'm happy," I chuckled, closing my eyes. His nicotine breath washed over me, giving me a pleasant buzz. "I've got you, and you love me."

His bony fingers brushed against my lips before his lips descended on them. Struggling to recover from the breathtaking orgasm, neither of us could muster much energy in that kiss, but it was still comforting. Love didn't always have to be the fast paced pounding-ass action. It could be simple and warm. My hand was rubbing the back of his neck at the base of his skull. The hair there was so long that it was a little curly. I just curled it around my fingers contentedly, humming as the kiss lazily drifted on.

The annoying buzz of my cellular vibrating broke us apart and I muttered an obscenity. Stupid bodyguards couldn't leave me alone. Groaning, I rolled over onto my stomach, mimicking Matt's pose. The only thing missing was my cigarette. "Should I answer?" I asked, tilting my head to get a better view of his eyes.

"Of course," he replied tiredly. "If you don't, they'll just come barging in here."

"Yeah, I know that." For some reason, I felt a little disappointed. Maybe I was hoping that he would say that he wouldn't care if they did come bursting in and found us naked in his bed. Maybe I was hoping that he would be ready to protect me from everyone, and that we could live happily together.

Grabbing my dress from the top of his bed's headboard, I slipped it on before limping towards the phone. Sure that my voice sounded all just-got-banged, I sent Jerry a text letting him know that I was in the middle of a level with Matt. A few seconds later, his unhappy reply was sent back to me. I flipped the device shut and dropped it on the floor. Matt was sitting on the edge of his bed now, slipping into his torn jeans.

"C'mere," he yawned, holding his arm outstretched towards me.

Feeling that giddiness swelling inside of me like helium, I practically floated to his side where he proceeded to snuggle into my leg. His arm wrapped around my waist, and his cheek rubbed against the junction of the lacy edging of the dress and my skin. A draft from the window blew past, whisking my sigh away. This is how I wanted to live the rest of my life. In love and happy. Cared for and caring for.

"Do you want to go to the movies Friday?" I asked, rubbing his scalp tenderly.

"I've got work," he mumbled against my thigh.

"Can't you take off?"

"Actually, I already had plans for Friday."

I bit my lip and tried not to be too disappointed. He wasn't going to go with me because of previous plans? Why wasn't I informed about his plans? He never said anything about it to me! Jerk. "Oh?"

"Yup. I'm going out on a date with this really hot chick so that we can declare a big F-you to the prom scene."

Literally jerking in surprise, I looked down to see his open and honest expression staring back up at me. My mouth gaped for a minute as I struggled to come up with the strongest expletive known to man to lash out at him. He was ditching me for some _girl_?! And to mock the prom-scene on top of that? Dead. He was _so _dead!!!

"I-you…no, I-"

A grin blossomed on his face as he squeezed my hips. "You. I'm taking you out to dinner and the arcade."

The hand that was ready to bitch-slap the shit out of him made a slow descent into a caress and I found myself in his arms, kissing. That was the first time anyone honestly called me a…a girl. He called me by what I was. I was his hot chick. We were going out on a date. Food for me and arcade for him.

Perfect.

Another buzzing came from my phone, so I had to pull away, but I must have been sending out super-happy vibes because Matt started laughing for no reason. I texted another note to my oversized babysitter and then crawled back to my Mattie. "You jerk," I giggled. "I thought you were taking out someone else."

"Well, you already gave me permission to get a girl and take her to prom."

"Yeah, but that was before we got together! That doesn't count!"

"~Oh yes it does~" he teased, stroking my cheeks. "Now, let's hurry up and shower before your guys go ballistic."

"Okay," I agreed glumly.

"Yeah, I'll be working extra tomorrow so that I can take Friday off. Can you take notes in class for me?"

"Sure."

With that all cleared up, I pulled him out of the bed and we proceeded to take a quick shower together. Rather, it was supposed to be a quick shower. Being wet and so close to each other, we were perfectly ready for another round of sex. Screw the bodyguards, they could wait.

Matt's powerful arms were easily holding me up, his elbows connected to the back of my knees, and my arms were wrapped around his neck for extra support. The soap and water made it easier for him to push into me and it didn't take long for me to be moaning loudly as I tried to push down on each of his thrusts. He was puffing heavily, but his motions didn't slow down any; they actually sped up, squeezing a few incoherent screams out of me. Oh, I loved how he moved inside of me, how he could tear me open and release the creature hidden within me. I had never screamed so much in my life, and never in pleasure, but in his embrace it was far too easy for me. He was the drug and I was begging for more.

"Mmmn, kiss," I mumbled.

He happily obliged and mashed our dripping lips together. The taste of his fruity shampoo mingled in there a little, but I ignored it in favor of him tongue fucking me. My throat let out happy little hums and I felt his lips smiling against mine. My manicured nails dug into his shoulders teasingly, hard enough to leave welts but nothing more. I didn't like hurting Matt, but he seemed to get turned on if I did little things like that. His stiff cock pounding into me let me know that.

"Hey, Mail, are you home?!!" The crash of the front door being slammed open rang out.

We froze, looking at each other with sheer panic. That was definitely the voice of his dad, and where his dad was, there was the nosy bitch of a mom.

"Mail, Mommy got you something nice!"

"Shit!" Matt hissed, pulling out of me in a rush and dropping me onto my unsteady feet. I fell against the tiled wall, wincing at the pain in my numb legs and at the sharp ache in my rear. He was already out of the shower, towel drying his hair and getting his clothes on in record time. Before rushing out, he dragged the curtain closed, cutting off my view of him.

Even though he ran out of the bathroom and moved to his parents I could hear everything that they were saying. Crappy small apartment.

"Mail? What the hell are you doing in the bathroom? Jerking off to those damn noisy neighbors?"

Ah, shit. They must have heard us. Stupid thin walls!

"No!" he yelled in annoyance. "I spilt some soda on me and Mello, so we were washing it off."

"Did you spill it on my carpet?" his mother bitched.

"No."

"Where's the can?"

"Mom, I tossed it out the fucking window. Do you want a fucking play-by-play of my life? Oh wait, if I did that, you'd have to hear about how your _son_ has to work to provide for this family and take care of his sisters!"

"Don't get all pissy," his dad jumped in. "But seriously, that's just weird. Were you guys showering together?"

"Dad, that's just gross."

Turning off the water dejectedly, I tried not to be too hurt by his statement. I knew that he couldn't answer truthfully, but it still hurt to hear those words from his mouth. I was such a needy pansy. Towel-drying myself quickly, I rushed to get dressed but came to a horrifying realization. I walked into here with my _dress_. My pants and stuff were in his room. Oh great, like that's not awkward at all. If I walked out in nothing but a towel to recover my clothes, they'd clearly see the bruises from our love-making! Biting my lip, I looked around for anything that I could use. Alas, his bathroom was bare other than eight toothbrushes and one tube of toothpaste. Beautiful.

"Hey, are you okay in there?" his mother called out, having realized that I was taking a little too long since I already shut the water off.

"Yeah, it's just…I uh, my eye."

"You're eye?" she asked incredulously. She may have been nothing but a groupie but she was far from stupid. That woman could sniff a scandal a mile away.

"Yes, my eye!" I snapped. "Your stupid son threw that soda into my eye!" Okay, even I realized how lame that sounded.

"…into his eye?" Matt's dad whispered. I could already picture the murderous glare Matt was shooting into my direction.

"Matt, do you have any of that eye cream?"

"Eye…cream?" he asked in a strained voice. I realized too late that there was no such thing as an eye cream that goes _into _the eyes. Hell, I was burying us both into a deeper and deeper hole. My code language was obviously not working.

"You know what I mean!" I tried, hoping that he would realize that I needed my clothes. "It used to be in my pocket. In my _pants_."

"What eye cream?" his mother asked.

"Fucking shit Mello, don't you have your-" His voice froze in mid-rant. Ah, the idiot got it. There was silence for a few minutes before I heard him head to his room. "Mom, Dad, can you check out that new ceiling leak in the girls' room?" he asked in a begging tone. "You said you'd do it last time."

His parents seemed to be thrown off by the sudden change in topics. "What's he going on about?" his rock star dad asked the mom.

"Hey, he's your son," she accused. "Takes after you more than me, so you tell _me_ what the hell he's smoking."

"Are you on pot again?" his dad tried.

"Dad!! Just check the fucking hole in my sisters' room!!!"

"Sheesh, fine."

I heard the two adults move past the bathroom door and into the other bedroom; soon afterwards, Matt's feet rushed to the door. "Open up," he demanded in a whisper.

The door was cracked open and he shoved my clothes at me before disappearing into the room after his parents.

~_~_~_~_~_

To say that I was excited would have been an understatement. Now that Matt and I were going on a date, I was freaking out about getting all dolled up. My little white dress was most definitely not going to work out for us going out to dinner and the arcade. Not having any other dresses, I resorted to doing something unethical. After all, nothing was going to ruin my very first date.

Panting, I looked over my shoulder to see if I was being followed by any mall security officers. So far, I was in the clear. Surprisingly, it really wasn't all that hard to steal a nice looking dress from JC Penny's; I literally just walked out and acted like nothing when the alarm went off. No one came out after me, and since I had a hoodie there was no fear of being identified from the cameras. Since I was only working with a backpack, I had to settle for a simple dress, but the one that caught my eye was going to be absolutely perfect.

The simple white background was covered in elegant prints of black flowers and leaves, scrolling across the expanse delicately. However, the old school color scheme was applied to a very modern looking cut. The wide straps allowed for the neckline to hang down a little lower than usual, and on the sides were two coin purse pockets at about the middle of each thigh. As a final nice touch, the bottom edge of the dress was the same material as the black wide shoulder straps and it cinched in at the thighs. The shape was absolutely perfect for my body, allowing for my nasty stomach and mostly terrible thighs to be covered, but still showing off my awesome calves and shoulders. On top of that, it wasn't made with big breasted women in mind, so my lack of mammary glands wouldn't be an issue.

"Matt's gonna love it," I whispered to myself as I quickly made my way home.

My small window of opportunity was quickly closing and if I took too long, my bodyguards were bound to notice that I wasn't in the house anymore. Just thinking about the shit I would get if they found out made me shudder; even worse was the thought of my dad finding out that I was slipping out of the house. If something were to happen to me then he wouldn't have any heirs left and he would be forced to pass the business to some other family. Not only would his dynasty end, but his pride would be wounded as well. Pride in being able to successfully run the business for generations and generations seemed to be a pretty big deal to the mafia heads that I knew. Personally, I think that they were taking the _Godfather_ movies too seriously.

The hardest part of my entire trek was getting in and out of the house. Because my family was such a large target for other competing criminals, my dad spared no expense with the security. There were beefy men standing around everywhere packing serious heat and they weren't afraid to use it. He also invested in a bunch of big ugly dogs that would occasionally chase me for the heck of it. Thankfully, I didn't have to worry about an electrical security system because my dad was suspicious of technology. That, and he sucked at using it.

Peeking between the pickets in our fence, I counted off the seconds as the guards rotated their positions. I paid special attention to men with the beasties just to be sure that I wasn't going to be chased down today. Those stupid dogs hated me. After a few tense minutes I was finally ready to jump the fence and make the mad dash to the house. Making sure that my backpack straps were nice and tight, I crouched down and coiled my muscles, ready to make the leap.

"Mihael Keehl!" A strong hand clenched my arm and dragged my backwards, completely knocking me off balance. My heart stopped as my mind raced through all its databanks trying to place that voice. Was it Dad?! Oh hell, I was dead. Dead as a doornail. All my dreams were going to be crushed underfoot on one fateful afternoon. A firm shake brought me back to reality and away from my psychodrama. "I'm talking to you!"

Wincing in anticipation of a huge beating, it took me a few seconds to realize that the person holding me was definitely not my father. "B-butch?"

"Yeah, it's me, you idiot!" He was whispering harshly, not at all loosening his tight grip on my arm. "Where the hell have you been?"

"I was j-just, um, you know-"

"Are you just asking to be kidnapped and tortured to death?!" he hissed, pulling me even closer.

"N-no!"

My heart was pounding painfully in my chest, and even though he looked like he was ready to kill me, I saw his expression soften a bit. There was undoubtedly fear in my eyes and I wouldn't be surprised if he could feel my racing heart. His grip never loosened, but at least he didn't look as angry with me.

"Listen, you can't be stupid like that, okay? Our lives are tied with yours and even if you feel like goin' out and killing yourself, remember that you're condemning a bunch of guys to die along with you. Got it?" I nodded enthusiastically. "Good. Now, let's go inside before Jerry pops a blood vessel."

"J-jerry knows too?!"

"Not yet, but any longer and I would have had to tell him. He's not my boss for nothing."

"Please don't say anything!" He raised an eyebrow at my behavior, but I was too panicked to care. If Jerry or Dad found out, they would be so pissed that I wouldn't be allowed to go on my date! This was too important to me, and I refused to let them get in the way of it. "Please!"

Chuckling at my desperation, he patted my head. "Fine, I won't say anything this time. But, if I catch your scrawny ass out alone again, I'm gonna report it."

"Thank you so much!" I cried, nearly in tears.

He slapped a hand over my mouth and looked around quickly. "We could get caught if you squeal like that again," he grunted. "Now, hurry up."

Following his instructions, we made it into the main house quickly. A guard passed by us and gave Butch a friendly wave. There was no running away from the dogs or having to duck behind bushes. On one hand, I was a little happy that it wasn't difficult to get in, but on the other hand, I paid the price because I got caught. If he ever caught me wandering again, I'd be dead. That just meant that I would have to be more careful when I went on my date with Matt. Yup, no amount of threats or warnings was going to keep me home tomorrow night. As I started up the stairs, I paused to thank him.

"Thanks, Butch." I smiled warmly.

"No problem, kiddo." Before I could continue on my trek to my room, he spoke again. "Hey, give me your bag."

My blood ran cold instantly as I tried to comprehend what he just said. D-did he just tell me to hand over my _bag_. As in, the bag where my new _dress _was? "M-my bag?"

"Yeah."

We stared at each other awkwardly for a few seconds. There was no way to get the dress out and get it to my room without him seeing it. Fuck, if he saw what was in it, I'd be toast. Forget not going on a date with Matt, I'd never be let out of the house again. "Why?" I asked protectively.

"I don't need to tell you," he replied bluntly. "You're my charge, so you do what I say. Or, do you want me to tell Jerry about your little adventure today?"

I was screwed. Totally screwed. My hands worked slowly, pulling the backpack off my shoulders and sliding it around in front of me. They were trembling, much like the rest of my body as I stepped forward. There was absolutely nothing that I could do in this situation. He would get even more suspicious if I held out any longer. Since he was my security, he had every right to go through my bag. But this had never happened before! No one had ever gone through my bags!!! What could I do? The answer came in the form of him agitatedly snatching the backpack out of my hands. Nothing, I could do nothing.

Butch turned on his heel and headed for the family room where the other guys were laughing loudly and probably playing poker. Doomed, I was doomed. Still in shock, I turned around and headed to my room. Should I call Matt now while I still could and explain what happened? Should I try running away? Where would I go? I could go to Matt's place, but they'd figure that out too quickly. Maybe I could go to B's house? No…he had a lover and a life, and I had no right to intrude. Besides, if I just up and ran to his house, banging on the door and screaming "Sanctuary!" I would have to tell him what was going on. He would have to know that I was a cross-dressing freak who was unthankful for the body that God provided.

Sliding down to the floor, I weakly crawled to the night table. Fumbling around in the drawer for a few seconds, I managed to get a hold of the item that I was looking for. Pulling gently, a rosary was revealed from the chaos in the drawer. I didn't really remember who gave the beads to me or even when I got them, but they had been a constant companion as I grew up. A few years back I was even known for never being parted from them, but then I went and fell for Matt. He had gone from someone that I could barely tolerate, to an acquaintance, to a friend, to a best friend. And then it just slapped me in the face as I watched him playing his stupid games. I was attracted to him.

Countless nights spent praying fervently availed to nothing and I still couldn't get him out of my mind. He was there in my dreams, haunting me even in day dreams. I was desperate to feel normal, to deny that the attraction was only deepening every day, but nothing changed. So I got angry and threw the rosary into the drawer, promising myself that I would never pray again.

It was a promise that I had kept until today. Ever since then, I never really had a deep conversation with God, never pouring out my heart to Him. Now was different. There was nothing else I could do. Completely helpless, I began counting off the beads and saying my Hail Mary.

_H-hail Mary, _

_Full of grace, _

_The Lord is with thee._

_Blessed art thou among women,_

_And blessed is the fruit_

_Of thy womb, Jesus._

_Holy Mary, _

_Mother of God,_

_Pray for us sinners now, _

_And at the hour of death._

_Amen._

The familiar words were whispered into the room, comforting me as they spilled out. Praying to the Merciful Virgin was like a balm to my wounded heart. She knew what it was like to have people speak against her when they didn't know shit. If anyone could understand me or pray on behalf of me, it was the Holy Virgin. Surely she could see how desperate I was, how much a truly did love Matt. This wasn't some kind of joke or fling. I was in love with Matt; he was my only shot at true happiness. Again and again, I prayed, clenching the beads so tightly that they left imprints in my palm. Please, things just had to work out.

A knock on the door shot fear through my veins. "Yes?" I called out. Surprisingly, my voice was calm.

Butch opened the door and looked surprised to see me with my rosary. "Here, I'm just returning your bag."

He tossed it at me carelessly. I was dumbfounded. "W-wha?"

The smart-ass laughed. "Hey, I just sewed in a tracking device to your bag so that I'll be able to keep a better eye on you."

With that, the door clicked shut, leaving me alone once more.

~_~_~_~_~_

Panting loudly, I jogged across the street and towards the McDonalds where Matt and I had agreed to meet. Because I had to be extra careful about leaving the house, I had to leave only fifteen minutes before we agreed to meet, which only left me with five minutes to get dolled up. I was sure that my make-up was a mess and my hair was sticking up everywhere, but I had no choice. My modest heels were making my calves burn already, but I pushed forward, not wanting to make him wait any longer.

As soon as I burst through the doors, my eyes caught sight of him. Immediately, I felt my heart leap into my throat and I just stood there, absolutely floored. My Mattie who could barely coordinate his clothes and who had never worn an ironed piece of clothing in his _life_ was sitting in the corner wearing a suit. Like, a three-piece suit, complete with a tie and clean new shoes. And like the proverbial cherry to top the cake, he was wearing those god-awful goggles.

Noticing me, a smile broke out on his face and he stood up, giving me a better look at him. I continued to gawk like a fish out of water. He strutted over with all his power of hotness and stood in front of me. "Hey there."

"H-hi," I replied lamely. My tongue didn't exactly want to work with me.

His hand came up and smoothed down some of my hair. "Why do you look like you just ran a marathon?"

"Uh, I jogged to here from the bus stop."

"What?! In those things?" he screeched pointing at my heels. I blushed as I noticed people staring at us.

"Yes, now can you tone it down a bit? You're making people stare!"

He blushed a little as well, and scratched the back of his neck. "Er, sorry."

We stood there a little longer, admiring each other before some jerk complained that we were in the way. "What, you can't walk _around _us?" I snarled at the guy. Really, some people could be so rude.

"We should really order some food," Matt chuckled, taking hold of my arm. "Then, if you want to, you can go to the bathroom and fix up."

"Do I look that bad?!"

He patted my head and chuckled some more. "No, you're perfect. But, I know that you won't take my word for it, so might as well check up on yourself."

Once the food was ordered, I made my way to the restrooms. Thankfully, I remembered to walk into the girls' restroom. The powers above were totally on my side tonight! As soon as I stepped into the restroom, I felt my breath catch in my throat. This was literally the first time in my life that I had ever been able to walk into a girls' bathroom. There were no nasty urinals with shameless men holding their dicks, no shit on the walls; nothing but clean stalls and a sink with scented antibacterial soap.

I cringed as I saw my reflection. Fly-away hair! Thankfully a bit of water was able to calm the frizz down, and after a bit of touch up on the make-up I was presentable again. A sniff to the armpits made sure that I didn't reek of sweat, and a spray of my Oasis Mouth Moisturizing spray made sure that my breath smelt like minty goodness. Yes, I was going to eat the most fattening and greasy food on the planet, but my breath still needed to smell good!

By the time I got back to our table, Matt had already gotten the food. As soon as I sat down, he grinned stupidly and just stared at me. I blushed and looked around, but there was no one else near us. "Yes?" I tried, hoping that he wasn't going to mess with my mind today. I was too much of a nervous wreck.

"Give me your hand."

"Uh, okay." I held out my hand. Reaching into the pocket of his suit, Matt pulled out a crushed (but still beautiful!) corsage, and strapped it to my wrist. I was speechless.

"There," he chuckled. "Now you're finished. I know that you really wanted to go to prom, so I decided that we'll have our own prom. Well, more like a non-prom. What do you think?"

"But, Mattie, I didn't get you anything!" I protested. I still couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that Matt had planned this whole thing out so well. It was perfect and I felt a bit guilty for being selfish. The entire time I had been worried about myself and making myself look perfect without a thought of giving Matt anything in return. After all, if it wasn't for him, none of this would have been possible. Who else would have been willing to take a boy out to a non-prom?

"Eh, it's okay. I got a boutineer for myself 'cause I knew that it would be weird if you had the corsage and I didn't have anything. I don't want you getting embarrassed. But, can you put it on? I haven't got a clue of where it's supposed to go."

Me? Get embarrassed of _him_? I took the also slightly abused boutineer and carefully pinned it to his lapel. "Matt?"

"Yeah?"

I looked straight into his eyes, ignoring the fact that he had those goggles on. "Why would I ever get embarrassed of you? I mean, seriously."

His face softened and he patted my hand. "Hey, let's not get all serious now. There's plenty of time for that later. Ready to eat?"

With a smile, I nodded before digging into my high calorie meal. My diet could go on hiatus for a night. Matt wolfed down his overly priced "value" meal and we split a McFlurry. I could feel my arteries clogging, but it was worth it just to spend time with my boyfriend. We talked about a whole lot of nothing, and laughed at stupid things. It was just like old times except that I was in a dress and he was in a suit. To all appearances we were nothing more a couple preparing for prom or getting ready to crash one.

"Feel like going to the arcade?" he asked, wiping a smudge of McFlurry from my cheek.

"Sure! You just want me to kick your ass in Mortal Kombat, don't you?"

"Pffft, when have you ever beaten me?"

"Wednesday."

"Oh come on! You were playing the game naked!"

"So? I don't recall fairness being a requirement for kicking your ass."

"Tch, tch, such language for a lady."

I smiled and ruffled his hair affectionately. "Well, if _you _played the game naked too, you might have had a chance of beating me."

"Hmm, maybe next time? Let's get going before the arcade gets too packed."

Taking a hold of my hand, Matt led me to his pink Mustang. The drive to his favorite arcade didn't take long and we were soon in a cramped room with a bunch of games and even more nerds.

"Wow, I guess we're not the only ones not at prom," I snorted. "Notice how we're the only ones even remotely good looking?"

He snickered. "Remotely? I don't know about you, but I'm pretty damn hot."

"That you are. So, what game do you want to play first? Mortal Kombat is taken."

Matt looked around for a second before grinning widely. "Since this is our customized non-prom, I think it's only right that we have a dance."

"Dance?"

"Yeah, DDR style."

"Oh hell," I groaned as he dragged me to the extremely loud and bright contraption better known as the Dance Dance Revolution game. "I can't dance in these heels!"

"Take them off!" Ignoring my complaints, he began loading up the machine with quarters.

Sighing in defeat, I unstrapped my high heel sandals. "I warn you, there isn't an ounce of dancing ability in my body." My swaying to music in the privacy of my room did _not _count.

"Oh, you'll do fine. Now, let's go to the advanced levels."

"Are you crazy?!!!" Regardless of my feelings, and lack of experience, Matt chose the hardest levels. "I'm going to make a fool of myself…"

"All right, ready?" he giggled as he stepped onto the dance pad.

Even though I tried, there was no way that I could be upset with him. Hell, he even _giggled_. My Mattie giggled, and boy did I find that hot. "Don't be mad if I suck!"

"Let's go!!!"

Okay, if dancing on the stupid game wasn't bad enough, Matt chose the worst song to dance to. Yes, the Hamster Dance. It only took a few seconds of missing the stupid arrows before I got pissed off and narrowed my focus. Let it never be said that I wasn't a competitive ass.

"Is that it, Mattie?" I panted as my feet flew over the colored arrows on the dance pad. "Aren't you supposed to be, ah, good at this game?"

"You can only, whew, say that when you're ahead!" he retorted easily.

A crowd was gathering around us as we faced off. Even though I knew that there wasn't a chance that I was going to beat Matt, it didn't stop me from trying. I hated being beat, but even worse than that was giving up. There was no way that I was going to just give up and let him beat me without a fight. I had pride! Too much, maybe.

The laugh that bubbled over was inevitable. It started off as a smile, and then as a shared look between us. Soon enough, though, we were both laughing hysterically, fighting to stay alive in this insane game. I had stubbed my toes several times already and Matt nearly tripped over his feet, but it was all part of the fun. We were being utter idiots, and it didn't matter at all. I couldn't remember having been this happy before Matt and I hooked up. He was the best thing that could have ever happened, and I would treasure every moment with him. The crowd was cheering for us, and laughing along at our insanity, but it was all in fun. Finally, we reached the last round.

"Noooo!" I giggled as the music began. "Not Lollipop!"

"Come with me honey, I'm your sweet sugar candy man," Matt tried to sing along between his panting and laughing. "…Bite me I'm yours if you're hungry please understand…"

"You are my lollipop!" I screamed out. "Sugar, sugar drop!"

By the end of the song, my legs were burning and my lungs couldn't seem to get enough oxygen. Strong arms wrapped around my waist and Matt effortlessly swung me around. "Hey, you didn't totally suck on that," he teased as soon as he set me down.

"Shut up," I giggled, searching for my sandals. I found them quickly and leaned on Matt so that I could get them on.

"Dude, you rocked!" some nerd exclaimed to Matt.

My lover blushed a little and scratched the back of his neck. "Thanks, man."

"You're lucky to have a girlfriend like that," the guy continued in awe. "I mean, hot _and _plays games? Sweet."

"Hey, I'm taken," I teased, grabbing a firm hold of Matt's arm. He looked down at me and gave me a quick kiss on my sweaty forehead.

"Yeah, I'm lucky."

The guy got the hint, and left us alone. Even though we were in a room full of people and were being bumped and jostled I couldn't help but feel like we the only ones there. There was so much love in my heart that I felt like I would explode at any minute. Almost unconsciously, I reached up and pulled his goggles down. I'm not sure why he insisted on hiding his eyes from me, but I loved to see them. They were always so intense and so beautiful. Just looking at them would take my breath away.

My thumbs stroked his cheeks, and that's when I noticed how tired he really looked. There were pronounced bags under his eyes and his skin was really pale. There was a weary look in his eyes and I felt my heart hurt a little. I didn't know what had happened or why he was so exhausted, and there was nothing that I could do to make it better. Again, I couldn't help but acknowledge how completely selfish I was. This whole night had been about me, and here he was, totally wiped out. How had he managed to be so energetic?

"Are you okay?" I whispered. I really wanted to be more giving, to help him in any way possible. This relationship wasn't supposed to be a one-way street where he gave and gave while I took and took. I wanted to be dependable and to be able to make him happy.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he tried to reassure me. "Come on, this is your night, let's not screw this up."

Getting on my tippy toes, I pressed a soft kiss to each eyelid. There wasn't anything that I could do for him in my situation right now, but in my mind I swore that I would do whatever it takes to pay him back. If it meant running away from my future and my family, I would do that in a heartbeat. Nothing meant more to me than Matt. "I love you, Mail, I really do."

"Um, is Misa interrupting anything?"

At first, I didn't think anything of the high-pitched voice that made its way to us, but I felt Matt tense up and I saw him pale. Jerking around to face the speaker, I was practically floored. Standing in front of me was the sluttiest thing I had ever seen, but what was worse was that she looked familiar. Too familiar in fact. Blond hair, blue eyes, a short hair cut, pale skin…yes, she looked like a warped reflection of me.

"W-what?" I replied shakily. Who was this bitch, and how did she know Matt?!

"It's nothing," Matt snapped, trying to pull me away.

The girl tilted her head in a grotesquely cute way, and a sorry smile curled on her painted lips. "Oh, sorry, Matt! Misa just thought that she saw you and wanted to see how you were. Misa didn't mean to bother Mattie and his _new_ girlfriend."

I felt like ice water had been poured over me, snapping me back to reality. "Who's she?!" I demanded angrily. Fuck, why did she look such much like me and why the hell did she call him "Mattie"? Only I called him that! "Why the fuck did she call you 'Mattie'?!!"

"I said it's nothing," he begged trying to pull me away, but I wasn't going to have that. I jerked my arm away from him and grabbed the delicate girl's wrist threateningly. "Who the hell are you?!"

She looked a bit frightened, but I didn't care. I would beat the information out of her if I had to. "M-misa!" she squeaked. "Misa is a f-friend of Mattie's."

"Don't call him that!" I was near tears now. In all the years that I had known Matt, never once had he mentioned that he had female friends. Sure, I knew that he had some geek friends at school, but come to think about it, he never mentioned them either. I just knew of their existence, but I couldn't think of any of their names or faces. They were nothing more than shadows. Did all of them call Matt by that special name, by the one that I screamed out when we made love?

"Mello, you have to stop!" He was trying to pull me away from her, but I couldn't let go.

"Y-you don't have the right!" I screamed at her. By now, I really was crying.

"But Misa always called him that!" she defended, trying to pull her wrist out of my bruising grip.

Matt managed to tear us apart and he held me back before I could do worse to that little whore. Who else would wear a skirt up to the crotch and fishnets with those chunky boots that looked like they came right out of a Hot Topic ad? Who in their right mind would be wearing a fucking corset and all that gaudy jewelry?!

"Mello, snap out of it!"

This _Misa _rubbed her wrist and backed away. "Owie! Misa thinks that Matt's newest girlfriend grabs like a man! And she's crazy! Misa never did things like that!"

A knife being thrusted into my heart wouldn't have hurt as much as those words did. I slapped Matt across the face before racing out of the arcade. I could no longer control myself as I shoved past people. My mind was whirling with the shocking news. Misa was Matt's girlfriend. He had girlfriends. He had friends. Matt never told me anything about them. Was he afraid that they would be beaten up by my dad's goons? Did he think that I would get jealous and off them? Would I have? No!

"Wait, Mello! Stop!" An arm yanked me back, stopping me from rushing out into oncoming traffic. "Fuck, what are you doing?!"

"Get away!" I screeched, trying to fight off those stupid arms that had held me so tenderly. Those arms that I had loved to be wrapped in.

"Don't be stupid!"

"Why didn't you tell me?! You fucking liar, why didn't you tell me!"

Those blue eyes were filled with frustration, anger, confusion, and worry, but I couldn't see anything else. There was no explanation. "Liar? Look, I didn't lie about anything!"

"She was your girlfriend!"

He gritted his teeth for a second before glaring at me. "So what? Yeah, I've dated a bunch of girls before. Who cares?"

Hearing him admit it hurt far worse that than stupid girl's words. "I care! Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why should I? You're not my fucking mother, I don't have to tell you every aspect of my life! Damn, you're all the fucking same! You all just want to butt into my life and control every fucking aspect! I don't rule your damn life!"

"I don't have a life, Matt!" I screamed. It was hurting so much, I wasn't even sure of what I would say or do next. I just wanted to curl up under my covers and pretend that this had never happened, that I had never fallen for him. "Y-you can just go out and do whatever the hell you want, but I can't! I'm trapped, and I thought that you of all people would know that!"

"Don't be so dramatic," he hissed. "Contrary to what you think, I can't do whatever the hell I want! I have a fucking job to pay for the food my sisters eat, I dig shit out of the garbage so that _I _can have something to eat, and I'm trying to be better than my family by getting a damn education! So sue me if I want to spend what little free time I have with a girl!"

I almost couldn't breathe. My hands were clenched over my heart and my head was hurting with the worst headache I had ever had. "Was I your first?" I whispered, closing my eyes and letting the tears fall.

"Come on, Mello, don't do this." He was back to begging.

"No. You have to answer. Was I…your first?"

Pause.

"No."

The carefully crafted illusion that I had created shattered. I didn't know the person standing in front of me. I never did.

**To be continued…**

**

* * *

Author's notes: I can't help but wonder if anyone caught the reference to ****A Romance of the Two Dancing Girls**** at the beginning. Let me know if you did! Oh, and I'm not even sure if DDR (any of them) actually have dances for the Hamster Dance or Aqua's song Lollipop. XD It would be great if they did. **

**Here's a picture of Mello's date dress. http:// cn1 .kaboodle .com /hi/img/2/0/0/de/9 /AAAAAi0eM5IAAAAAAN6cSA .jpg**


	5. Kephalaio V

"Was I your first?" I whispered, closing my eyes and letting the tears fall.

"Come on, Mello, don't do this." He was back to begging.

"No. You have to answer. Was I…your first?"

Pause.

"No."

The carefully crafted illusion that I had created shattered. I didn't know the person standing in front of me. I never did.

Because _I_ didn't have any other friends, I stupidly thought that he was in the same boat. Because _I_ had never been interested in girls, I had never seriously thought that Matt would have gotten a girlfriend. Sure, I assumed he was straight, but his falling in love and having sex with a girl was incomprehensible to my naïve mind. True, he never mentioned those things to me, but then, I never asked. I never acted like a real guy, and never even hinted at being interested in "conquests" or bragging about how much pussy I could get. Why would he tell someone like me that he had girlfriends? Maybe I was never his best friend.

It was all making sense now. He was my best friend because he was all I had, but if he had other friends one of them was bound to be his best friend. After all, they weren't the son of a mafia head, they weren't moody and bitchy, and they never got involved with him romantically. All those times that he had seemed uncomfortable or hesitant, it was because he didn't want to be with me. I was a burden.

"Why did you sleep with me?" I choked out. "W-was I just some new c-conquest? Something that you could brag about? D-did it mean _anything_?" I was humiliated and broken-hearted. All those kind words that he said to me, they were lies. Even worse was that most of this could have been prevented if I had just paid some fucking attention.

"Please don't be like this, Mello. _Please! _It wasn't like that at all."

"No, no, I'm sorry. I wasted your time and money, sorry. I'll pay you back."

Matt tried to say something, but I couldn't listen anymore. I had to get away and clear my head. Turning on my heel I rushed off before he could see me completely break down. I had already imposed on him for too long and I didn't want to guilt him into anything. It wouldn't make me happy to stay with him if he didn't care about me the entire time. The entire time, I thought that I was special, that he really did love me. I had opened up to him completely, sharing _every _part of my life with him. Now, the memories were mocking me. Every time we touched, every time we laughed, every time we made love. No, that's wrong. We didn't make love. We had sex, and that was all.

I couldn't really blame him. After all, I was the one who pushed and pushed. I never really gave him a chance to back out or to say no. Maybe he was scared that if he refused me, I would have had my father kill him. As much as I didn't want to think that this was true, it had to be. There was no other reason for him to have gotten so involved with me. I knew how much he loved his sisters, and if he wasn't alive to protect and care for them they would be dead or thrown into the foster system. He cared too much for them to let that happen, so he had accepted my advances. Matt had prostituted himself for the well-being of his sisters.

Leaning against some building, I let it all out. Like the pathetic person I was, I cried. I sobbed and moaned, clenching at the stone underneath my hands. For the first time in my life, I truly understood what it meant to be broken-hearted. There didn't seem to be enough air as I gasped and my legs were trembling badly. My stomach was churning and my head was pounding. Everything hurt and I couldn't believe that only a few minutes ago I was flying high. Earlier tonight, I had been truly happy, but now…now, I was more miserable than I had ever been.

Large, familiar hands grabbed my shoulders and pulled me away from the building. "Come on, let's get you out of here."

"B-butch?"

"Shhh, come on."

I couldn't even see straight, so I let him lead me along. If he hadn't been supporting me, my legs would have given out already. A part of me wondered how he had found me or why he wasn't freaking out over the fact that I was in a dress, but I still hurt too much to care. Those things could be explained later, but what was important right now was that I got out of there. I must have made a total fool of myself. Strangely, with his strong arms around me, I found myself crying harder. It was because I was thinking of how I had opened up in Matt's arms. I bared myself to him completely, and it meant nothing. Now I was in strong arms that truly did care about me, and again, I was opening up. I was letting out all the tears and pained sobs that my own foolishness had caused.

"Can you sit?" Butch asked. I nodded. It didn't matter where we were as long as I was away from Matt. Fuck, I could have been standing in front of my father and I wouldn't have cared. There was nothing that he could do to me that would hurt anymore than this pain did. "Got yourself into a pretty screwed up situation, didn't you?" he sighed.

"I, I- (sob) sorry…"

"Hey, it's fine. You deserve to cry it out."

The time seemed to float by endlessly, running just as long as my tears did. Butch was moving around doing something, but I couldn't find the energy to care. Even if he was calling Jerry, it didn't matter. I would get grounded for life, but didn't bother me at all. In fact, I would prefer that. If they punished me like that, I would never have to worry about seeing Matt again. I could even quit school.

"I'm such an idiot," I whispered, rubbing at my swollen eyes.

"We all make mistakes, Mello. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Th-thanks." Something smelt terrible. "Is Jerry coming?"

"He's already here, kid."

It was something about his tone. Something wasn't right. I opened my eyes and saw that my feet were resting in something; it was a liquid, thick, dark…red. Giving in to a sob, I looked to the side and saw Jerry leaning against the alley wall with a bullet hole in his forehead.

"What's g-going on?"

Now I could see that Butch was loading his gun with bullets. The hand that was balancing the clip was also holding the hunting knife that he always carried around. Out of the corner of my eye I could see someone entering into the alley.

Butch looked up at me and shook his head. "I wish it didn't have to be like this. But, as I've already explained to you, life is a game. We're all pieces, doing our jobs. Unfortunately, you didn't learn fast enough; you've fallen a step behind."

"I don't understand," I whimpered. Fear was replacing my anger and sadness.

My bodyguard sighed and shoved the clip into place. "Juliana Rosewood. That was the name of my lover, the one person that I cared for. I swore to keep her safe forever. Do you know what happened to her?"

"Sh-she died?"

"Killed herself, actually. You see, she had been given by her family to the head of another mafia family. It was her duty, and even when I tried to convince her to run away with me, she refused. She was going to marry and love that man. But one day, she found out that the man she had given her entire life up for had a mistress. She became furious and jealous leading to her suicide. It was a stupid move, even I know that, but the sad thing is that she didn't see the truth."

"The truth?"

"Yes. The mistress was actually an unwilling participant. Your father had fallen for a normal young woman who wanted nothing to do with the life of the mafia. She tried to run, but it was vain. He took what he wanted, and raped her. Then she got pregnant with you, Mello. Luckily for her, there were complications at birth, and she died having you."

"What does this have to do with me?" My voice was calm now. Even with my splitting headache and heartache, I understood what was going on. There was no escape for me. My legs were too tired and I was in heels whereas he was rested, not emotionally and physically exhausted. It would be embarrassing to try to run from him.

"Everything needs to be taken from your father," he replied softly. "You're the only thing that he has left and it's my job to take that away."

"Then hurry up and kill me." Maybe I didn't care if he killed me? I was sick of the drama and the disappointments. Wasn't it sad that no one really loved me or cared for me? I had grown up with Butch, had trusted him. But I guess that even he couldn't love me. "I'm sick of this world."

He frowned. "It's not that simple, Mello. Your death has to be a symbol to the rest of the gangs and families. You should know that already."

"What are you going to do?" I choked, shivering in fear.

"Look, I like you, darlin'. Sorry that it has to be this way." With that, he signaled to the guy standing at the opening of the alleyway.

The man moved forward and grabbed my arm. Carelessly, he yanked me off of the crate I was sitting on and shoved me forward onto my hands and knees. A piece of cloth was forced into my mouth and tied tightly. I could taste blood as the crude gag cut into the corners of my mouth.

"We need to hurry up, Butch," the man grumbled.

"Yeah, yeah. Better luck in the next life, Mihael."

Hearing my name was bittersweet. It was rare that anyone would use my real name, and yet sad that he would only utter it before murdering me. Even Matt never called me by my real name. Just thinking about him brought back a wave of pain. I barely felt as the gag was shoved up to the roof of my mouth and something was pressed against my mouth. Before I even understood what was happening, a cock was shoved into my mouth. The stranger was in front of me, shamelessly forcing me to take him into my mouth. Having never given oral, I was shocked and repulsed. I didn't want to do such a disgusting thing! But he didn't care. Holding a gun to my head, he continued to violate my mouth, pushing deeper and deeper. It was impossible not to gag and struggle to breathe, but he didn't slow down at all.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to block it all out. I had thought that tonight was my lucky night, but I had been terribly wrong. Instead of playing more games at the arcade and then making love with Matt on the leather seats of his precious car, I was being raped and going to be murdered. They weren't even murdering me because of anything I did! They were killing me because of my father! Didn't anyone see me for _me_? Didn't anyone care about _me_?

The flesh was pulled out of my mouth, but I soon felt hot liquid spurting on my face. I was humiliated. When my body was found, it would be clear that I had been raped? Would Butch and this man leave my dress and heels on to further my humiliation? I could see the headlines now: "Young boy found in an alley last night, covered with cum and wearing a dress." Would my father care that I had been killed or would he be more upset about losing the chance at a dynasty? He never cared about me up 'till now, so why would he care about me once I died?

Grabbing a handful of hair and pulling my head back, Butch leaned in to whisper into my ear. "I'll do you a favor, Mello. You hate being a boy? I'll fix that for you." He shoved my dress up and out of the way and yanked down my underwear, revealing my shameful body, the part that I had hated from the start. "Did you think I didn't notice? You were so careless, Mello. I tried to warn you, but you didn't get it. I heard you and that boyfriend of yours fucking, I heard your little confessional about hating your body. Hell, I even saw this dress. Did you think that I really put a GPS on your bag? I put one on your dress."

Matt. I began to cry earnestly. Even as I felt the white hot pain cutting through me and a new pain plunging into me, I couldn't pull my thoughts away from him. Even if I was completely stupid and selfish, I loved him. I still did. I hated that they were violating what I had held so precious, what I had offered willingly to only one person. To my Mattie who would hold me, who would kiss me, who would offer sweet nothings, who would say…

No, he never said those words to me. I realized that even though I proclaimed my love for him numerous times, Matt never said those words back to me. Three simple words, and he had never said them to me.

The mutilation was the worst, a searing pain that refused to dull. I couldn't even muster enough focus to watch my killers. My body had been ruined. I guess it was righteous justice or something like that. If I couldn't be happy with what God gave me, then it would be taken away from me. But not like this, I didn't want to be like this. I wanted to be a proper girl, not some emasculated and disfigured boy. A shadow fell over me and I felt a large hand roll me over onto my back. He forced my arms to be outstretched to either side and crossed my legs gently as if I were the new Christ.

"Goodnight," he whispered to me before pressing the hunting knife into my mouth. "It won't take you long to bleed out." With a jerk to the side, the soft flesh of my cheek split open. Repeating the process on the other side, Butch left me with a clown's smile. Such a sad smile.

Lying in a pool of my own blood and covered with the filth of others, I stared up at the night sky. My salty tears stung at the newest wounds, and every labored breath I took sent pain through my opened cheeks. I wanted to see one star, just one. Anything beautiful that I could stare at until the blood loss was too much for my body to handle. The gag had been removed, and even with the flesh of my cheeks ripped open I could have called for help. But I didn't. It would have been pointless and a waste of my last minutes.

"S-starlight…star…bright…"

There was nothing but the glare of streetlights in the distance and clouds.

"Firs-st…star I s…ee tonight…"

Not even a speck of happiness to give me peace.

"Wish I m-may, w-wish I…might…"

I still loved him. I couldn't lie to myself. Oh, Mattie…

"_Have this wish I wish tonight."_

**~_~_~_~_~_Matt_~_~_~_~_~**

"Why did you sleep with me? W-was I just some new c-conquest? Something that you could brag about? D-did it mean _anything_?"

"Please don't be like this. _Please. _It wasn't like that at all." This wasn't happening, this wasn't happening!

"No, no, I'm sorry. I wasted your time and money, sorry. I'll pay you back."

"Mello, please, I love you!" He was running away again, and I just stood there. What could I do? I mean, I could chase him all night, but what would that accomplish? "FUCK!!! MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!!"

A few people gave me strange stares, but I ignored them. How did such a perfect night turn out like this? It had all been going as planned, but then…Misa. Damn that girl! I knew that I shouldn't have gotten involved with her, but she looked so much like him! How could I resist?

Collapsing on the nearest bench, I ran a hand through my hair. I had actually combed it today. "Who am I kidding," I mumbled to myself. "I'm an idiot, and it's my fault that Mels ran away." If I had just told him the truth and been more open, things wouldn't have turned out like this.

Cradling my head in my palms, I couldn't help but think about the mess that I created. How long had I been in love with Mello? Fuck, it's been over ten years. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I knew that he was something special, that he was something to be treasured. I wanted to treasure him. Of course, one doesn't truly understand the concept of love in grade school. All I knew was that I wanted to be with him. Sure, his punching me in the face a few times put a little hiccup in our relationship, but I persisted. For years and years I forced myself into his personal bubble, forced him to accept me. He didn't even like me. Back then, things were simple; I didn't need anyone but Mello.

And then I had sisters. Not only that, but I learned all about faggots. I learned that it was wrong to have special feelings for guys and that normal boys had lots of friends and talked about girls. Being the fucking wimp I was, I made sure to do what all normal boys did. I got lots of friends and talked about girls. But…I didn't want Mello to see me like that. He was pure, unaffected by the crowds around him. Mello was aloof, somewhere far above the rest of us and I was embarrassed of showing him that horrible side of myself. I was scared that he wouldn't like me anymore. He was special and I treated him specially. He deserved nothing less than that.

Looking up dejectedly, I watched the people walking by carelessly. None of them would think anything of me sleeping around with girls. It would be expected that a young man my age do things like that, and that's what I kept telling myself with each girlfriend. I kept thinking that things would be okay, that it was no big deal. But any time they pushed to find out about Mello, I dumped them. All of them wanted to get more involved in my life, but I couldn't do that. What girl would want a guy who had to raise his five sisters and had a Mello complex? Besides, I was embarrassed to take them home. I wasn't stupid; I knew that the place smelt like shit and looked worse, but it was all I had.

Mello never judged me because of it. With his calm collected face, he would walk into the shit-hole of an apartment and carry on like normal. It was like those things didn't bother him at all. The older I got, the more I understood that my feelings for Mello were far from normal, so I just went through more girls. I guess I figured that the more girls I had, the less I would think about Mello. Boy was I wrong. I dated more and more blonds, more and more girls with small breasts and wide eyes. None of them ever had his beautiful eyes, but I could imagine that they did. And then there was Misa. If there was ever a girl that resembled Mello, it was her. Cut out her annoying talking and her ditzy attitude and she was pretty close. But the damn girl liked me too much, and I let our relationship go on too long.

And then it happened. Mello kissed me.

We moved things too quickly and I knew it. He wasn't ready and neither was I, but I let it move forward. I slept with him, took such an intimate part of him. It was what I wanted for so long, so I did it. The next day, I broke up with Misa, and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I should have known that she was going to show up and screw things up for me, but I was being naïve again. Our relationship was like a firecracker, and Misa was the one holding the match. It was bright and beautiful, but brief. Damn it, I didn't want it to end!

Tonight was when it was supposed to really start! I had to prove to myself that I really did love Mello and that I wasn't using him. I needed to do these things for him because it would make me feel better. What a selfish ass. If I had just accepted my feelings for him instead of trying to "prove" them, this wouldn't have happened. I would have been able to say "I love you" while we made love, I would have been confident enough to tell him about the past flings, and I wouldn't have let him run away from me.

"I'm such a stupid idiot."

Looking in the direction that Mello ran, I decided that I would give him a bit more time to cool off before I went after him. It wouldn't do any good to talk to him if he was still hysterical. Groaning, I headed towards a convenience store to buy a pack of cigarettes and some chocolate. If there was anything that could calm him down and at least get him to listen to me it would be the magic of chocolate.

With a cigarette in my mouth and the peace offering in the plastic sack in my hand, I made my way to the direction that he ran. His legs were probably sore from DDR so logic stated that he wouldn't have gotten too far. Unfortunately, he was nowhere to be seen. I walked back and forth along the area where he should have been, but there was no sight of him. I wondered if he had gone home, but that didn't seem likely. He would be too much of a mess to get back to his house.

Sitting down near the mouth of an alley, I took a moment to catch my breath. Being a smoker was no fun when lots of walking was required. Sighing unhappily, I watched as a giddy couple walked past. The girl was holding her boyfriend's arm tightly, and he was pulling her along happily. They were probably heading towards the seedy little hotel down the street. I couldn't help but think of Mello's accusation that our love making meant nothing to me. It hurt that he would think so low of me. Those intimate moments were precious to me and I was so scared of losing him and those moments. It was as if I actually admitted my feelings to him, I would jinx us and everything would break apart. If only I knew that not saying those words would have torn us apart, I would have taken the chance.

"Come on, Mels, where are you? I'm sorry already."

Looking up at the sky, I felt disappointed that all of the stars were hidden behind clouds and the glare of the streetlights. It looked blank up there, so I turned my attention back to my surroundings. That's when I really noticed the alleyway. It was dark and kind of creepy looking; the kind of place you'd find drug dealers or dumped bodies. Still, maybe he ran in there? Sidewalks were pretty public and Mello wouldn't want to be seen crying by so many people. It was pretty likely that he would have found somewhere to hide until he felt a little more in control. Gritting my teeth, I stepped into the alley and began my search.

I was sure that I would hear him sniffling way before I actually saw him, so I didn't pay any particular attention to the ground I was walking on. I was far more interested in keeping an eye on the entrances and exits of the alley; I didn't grow up in the ghetto without learning a thing or two about self-preservation. Walking through the maze of alleyways, I began to grow more and more uncomfortable. Surely Mello wouldn't have gone so far, it would be just plain stupid. A strange smell assaulted my nose and the deeper I wandered, the stronger it got. Wrinkling my nose, I tried to place that smell. It wasn't rotting garbage or even decomposing piss. It wasn't shit either, so what was it?

Getting creeped out, I was just about to turn around and get the hell out when my new dress shoes collided with something. With all the grace of a new-born giraffe, I fell over and face-planted into a puddle of cold water. Only…it wasn't water. Coughing, I could taste some of that shit in my mouth, and I froze when I recognized what it was.

Blood. Coagulating blood.

Breathing shallowly, I pulled my legs closer to my body and got ready to sprint away. After a few minutes, there was still no movement or sound. There was only me, and I was scared. I just wanted to get the hell out so that I could continue my search for Mello, but I needed to see my way out of here. Reaching a shaky hand into my pocket, I struggled to get my lighter out. Once the Zippo was at the ready, I gave it a good strong flick. Unfortunately, the damn thing was almost out of lighter fluid, so it didn't light up. It took a few good flicks before the flame burst into life. Sweeping the light downward, I was met with the most grisly sight I had ever seen in my young life.

The lighter fell to the ground to join my plastic bag and my screams echoed down the cold alleyways.

~_~_~_~_~_

It had taken all of the money that I had been saving and then some, but I did it. I had paid for a small decent funeral.

Although it was open to any visitors, there were only two besides me. Once the news spread that Nicolai Keehl's son's body was found raped, mutilated, and in a dress, the gangs and mafia were thrown into chaos. Nicolai had the chance to disown his son, which he did, before he was killed off by an underling seeking fame. That was yesterday. Today, in the quiet chapel, there was only me, Professor Beyond, and his lover. I was borrowing a suit from my dad because the one that I had rented for prom night had been taken by the police for evidence.

I felt sick to my stomach as I watched Professor B pay his respects. He was pale and looked quite upset. It was the first time I had ever seen him look like that. In the four years that I had known him, he had never once looked so sad or troubled. His lover, Always, was right there besides him, rubbing his back and speaking comforting words. I wanted to puke.

Even though the funeral was modest, it was pretty nice. I spared no expense on getting Mello all cleaned up and covered. I wanted a closed casket, but I couldn't stand not seeing him. I needed to see his face, forever etched in pain. The police had to do an autopsy to record a cause of death, so I had to make sure to get a dress that covered up not only the mutilation, but the autopsy cuts as well. The color was white because he was pure. The people at this funeral home did well in preparing him. No one who walked in would have guessed that Mello was really a boy, and that's what I wanted. He hated being a boy and it would disrespect his memory to leave him to eternity looking like that, so I made him an angel. I made him the angel I always thought he was.

Off to the side, there were the flowers, beautiful white lilies to match his dress. I would have had a photo of him there, but I couldn't find one that would work. All the school photos didn't do him justice and the only photo I owned of him was the one that we took when he was putting on makeup. I couldn't associate that with his funeral. Wiping my eyes, I realized that I was crying. Ever since I found his body, I had been crying on and off. There was no end to it and the pain was gnawing away at my heart.

There was no music playing in the background, no fancy speeches.

I saw Beyond bury his face into his lover's neck and his shoulders shook as he cried.

The funeral attendant came to make sure that everything was okay. He seemed disturbed that only three people came to the funeral of a young woman who had been so brutally murdered.

I found myself in front of the casket, looking down into the face of my boyfriend. It wasn't fair that he died. I was going to apologize, I was going to fucking explain everything to him! I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, how much I wanted to hold him, to care for him. I wanted him. Now he's gone forever. No second chances. And nobody gave a fucking shit. Never again would he laugh and tease me, or yell and hit me. He wouldn't cry, curse, gloat, complain, joke, confide, whisper, love.

Even thought the makeup was practically flawless, I could still see the Glasgow smile that had been carved into his face as an afterthought. It was put there to mock his father, as if he were a billboard to send messages. There was no thought of him being a person who deserved to be happy and safe; he was just used and thrown aside. But I was just as guilty. I didn't take care of him. I had hurt him and caused him to run right into the arms of his murderers. If I had followed him I could have saved him. He would be alive. But I screwed up again, just like always.

It didn't register in my head as I became hysterical. I was holding my Mello, screaming and crying, but it didn't do anything. He didn't wake from the dead or come down from heaven to forgive me. His body just stayed there and left me to suffer. As long as I was alive, I'd suffer. I could never forget. Even if I should live long enough to get Alzheimer's, I'd go to the grave thinking of Mello, my Mello, and the fact that I didn't do enough for him. I hurt him and it cost him his life.

All because I wasn't honest. I was honest now, but it was too late.

_Mihael Keehl _

_Loving girlfriend,_

_Gifted student,_

_A wonderful person._

_You shall not be forgotten._

~_~_~_~_~_

"Mail?"

Today was graduation. I hadn't been able to recover from Mello's death, but the school was allowing me to graduate. Professor B talked to them and they agreed that up until prom night my grades had been satisfactory. Besides, anyone would be under stress if they had come across the body of their best friend. I never even stepped into school since that Wednesday.

"Mail?" It was my dad. He had that worried voice.

I was too tired to reply, so I didn't do anything. I just stayed in the safety of my covers where I had spent most of my time after the funeral. After they buried Mello, I stayed by the grave until I passed out from dehydration and exhaustion. The doctors made me stay home, but they couldn't force me to eat or drink. I'd been to the hospital four times since then, and they warned me that if I went in one more time, they'd send me to a mental institution. Fuck them.

"Listen, I know you're probably tired, but you need to go to graduation. Your professor worked hard to get the school to pass you."

"Why do you care?" I asked wearily. I wished that he would just go away already. I'd never seen so much of my parents in all my life and they were wearing me out.

He sat down at the foot of the bed and I could feel him staring at me. "Well, it's because…it's because you always wanted to graduate. You wanted to do better than me and your mother, and I want to see you succeed."

I spared him a glance. "You _care_ all of a sudden? What the fuck?"

He looked down. "Mail, I know that I haven't been that great of a father. I've been living my life without any thought to you guys, and…well, I was wrong. I've retired from the band."

Hearing the words that I had been hoping for since I was four was sadly anticlimactic. "Whatever."

His shoulders slumped, but I didn't care. My parents didn't care shit about us until their son went off the deep end. It's too little, too late, by then. "I'm trying, Mail. I don't want you to lock yourself up like this. If you ever want to talk, I'm ready and willing to listen."

"Dad?"

"Yes?" He tried to peek around my comforter at my face.

"I was in love with Mello. We made love a few times before…" I couldn't finish the statement.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see him straighten up and stare at me in bewilderment. I knew that my parents were homophobes, but I didn't give a shit. I wanted them to know that Mello meant the world to me, that he wasn't just a best friend. He was my lover.

Instead of hearing the speech that I was sure he was going to give, Dad just swallowed thickly and patted my leg. "Okay. That's okay." I shifted to stare at him in shock and he smiled weakly. "Mail, you're eighteen and more than mature enough to make your own decisions. If that includes…feeling that way towards Mello, I will be accepting of that. Hell, you've dealt with my shit all these years, I can handle this."

"I…I miss him," I whispered, the tears barely held back.

"And that's okay. But do you think that Mello would want you to waste away in your room? Would that make him happy?"

Pulling my pillow over my head, I began to cry all over again. It was exhausting, but I couldn't help it. My dad just patted my leg and stood up. We both knew that there was no way that I could really trust him yet or treat him like a dad, but maybe this was kind of like a good start. I could respect him a little more because he accepted my feelings for Mello. He wasn't happy about them, but he sucked it up. If I still wasn't so hurt, I would have been impressed.

"I'll tell your mom to make some soup," he added at the doorway. "You'll need something in you if you're going to make it down that aisle."

~_~_~_~_~_

There were a bunch of screaming students and clicking cameras, but none of that mattered to me. All that mattered was the aisle and the small paper I would get at the end of it. It seemed like only yesterday that Mello and I were talking about being the first in our families to graduate. By no fault of his own, he didn't make it, but here I was. I told him that I would be better than my parents, and here I was doing it.

"Jeevas, Mail."

Each step was an effort. It was worse than the effort it took to get dressed or to put the stupid robe and cap on right. It was even worse than sitting through the ridiculous ceremony. If I kept walking, then I would have to move forward. If I graduated, that meant that I would have to acknowledge that I needed to move on. I didn't want to move away from Mello.

The assembly grew quiet as I came to a stop in front of the stage and froze. This was the very thing that I had dreamed of a few weeks ago, and now it was the last thing that I wanted to do. I didn't want to move on. It would be the same as forgetting him, and I promised that I would never forget. How was I supposed to live without him? I had known and loved him since kindergarten. How does one handle losing that much of themselves?

A hand took a hold of my wrist, and for a brief moment I dared to hope that it was Mello. Professor B looked down at me and slowly led me up the steps. I was unable to refuse his silent request. He had been the closest thing to a father to both me and Mello, and now he was asking me to take those steps.

"Moving forward doesn't mean forgetting," he whispered as we approached the principal. "It means finding new ways of remembering."

Never letting go of his hand, I accepted my diploma and passed the stage.

~_~_~_~_~_

_Seven years later…_

"Mr. Jeevas?"

"Hmm?"

A young student was standing in front of my desk. There was a fresh set of bruises on his porcelain skin and his curly white hair was being anxiously tugged by his fingers. I couldn't help but smile at him. "Good morning, Near. Had a rough morning?"

He nodded shyly. "We got into another argument."

Setting down my pen, I leaned back in my chair and motioned for him to take a seat. "Your parents are pretty stubborn aren't they?"

"Yes, they are. They threw away my new pink socks."

I rolled my eyes. People could be so stupid sometimes. It's been years since my senior year of high school and I was now a high school councilor who specialized in helping homosexual and bisexual students come out and become proud of themselves. I had become somewhat a protector of those students, even going so far as to walk some of the more picked on students to their classes. Having worked at this high school for a few years already, my reputation was set and most of the students respect me. The hate crimes against homosexuals and bisexuals in this high school had decreased quite a bit and tolerance was now the rule rather than the exception. Mostly, it was dealing with parents now.

"How about this? I'll buy you another pair, and you can just leave them here at school to use whenever you'd like."

He smile cutely and blushed. "You don't need to bother yourself like that, Mr. Jeevas."

"I insist, really."

He nodded. "Thank you."

"No problem. Will you be okay walking to class today?"

Another nod. "I believe that I will be okay. Thank you for looking out for me."

I smiled. "It's my job! But no worries, I love doing it."

"Mr. Jeevas, you can…well, if it doesn't bother you, I'd like it if…you called me 'Nate'." After having said that, the poor boy turned a brilliant shade of pink.

Reaching over, I patted his head. "Okay, Nate."

I knew that Nate River had kind of a crush on me, but I was sure that it would pass. A lot of students, especially those struggling with their sexuality, would confuse their respect and their liking me as being a crush. I was more like a big brother, and they usually came around soon enough. Nate had been a little more persistent in his crush, but I didn't worry too much. There was a certain upperclassman who had an eye on young Nate and I wouldn't be surprised if he made a move soon.

Nate caught me glancing at the pictures on my desk. There was a photo of the first set of students that I counseled graduating, and the years after that. There was a photo of my old Professor B and his long-time lover at their new home in the English countryside; much like me he couldn't stay in the city that carried such heavy memories. There was a picture of my family at one of my sister's wedding. However, in the front and center of all those photos was the one that I treasured the most. Mello's head resting on my shoulder and the both of us smiling into the camera.

"She's so pretty," Nate grumbled jealously.

I snorted. "Of course she is. She's my girlfriend."

"That's faulty logic!" he argued. "It is accurate to state that she is your girlfriend because of her looks, but you can't say that she has good looks because of her being your girlfriend. People's looks don't change like that!"

"I think you're just jealous."

He turned pink and looked down. "Am not."

Reaching over, I stroked the picture. "Well, you better get to class!"

I may still be alive while Mello is not, but Professor Beyond was right. Moving forward didn't mean that I had to forget _her_. She was precious to me, even when she was he. I finally decided a few years back that I would never call Mello a _him_ again; she had never been that. When anyone saw her picture they always saw a girl, and that's how I wanted it.

That's how Mello wanted it.

I loved her, and that would never change. Yes, I still had nightmares, and I cried so much, but that didn't weaken my feelings. If anything, it only strengthened them. Sometimes, I would try to convince myself that once I died we would meet again, but it would work out this time. She would be everything that she wanted to be, and I would be deserving of her.

Left by myself in my cold office, I spun around in my chair slowly, letting my eyes close.

"Dancing bears…painted wings…things I'll always remember…"

**~Fin~**


End file.
